I’ve done things I regret.
Things that the Bible lays out as sin.
I was never raised a Christian
I found God after society had planted its seed.
I found God when I was at my darkest.
I was a teen girl who had already been told she was ugly
-who had been corrupted by the movies and magazines.
I was a nerd who learned that being smart wasn’t that great
-who saw that she was at the bottom.
I was a lonely girl who had already experienced to the cruelties of relationships
-who was willing to give anything to keep a boyfriend
And so, even after I had found my eternal salvation
I knew life through high school was going to be a struggle.
Once the seed of society had sprouted
I hated myself.
Because I knew I was saved from Hell
I wanted to end it.
Late at night I would find myself questioning
why I was here
would anyone miss me if I were to disappear?
I was a coward who could never do it
-who lived her life in pain.
I was an ungrateful kid who didn’t see the friends she had
-who pushed everyone away.
And so, alone and hated,
too cowardly to end my pain
I turned to my own personal sins.
I found myself clinging to a guy who never loved me.
I exposed not only my heart to him.
But everything beneath the cloth.
He threatened to leave time and time again
but I couldn’t live without his desire for me.
even if it was just for my body.
I needed him to lust for me
-so I had something to cling to.
I was so scared
-thinking if he didn’t want me, no one would.
I changed so much when I was with him
-wearing clothes that would “make me look good”
But it was never enough.
And so, when he left
hating my body and my self
I turned to mutilation.
I knew there would be questions.
So I thought it out very well.
People never saw my upper thighs
what a perfect place.
I knew it would hurt,
but it was a good distraction.
I found myself crying every night
and to stop the tears
I tore into my own skin.
I was a pathetic girl
-who could only hurt herself.
I was so tired and so alone
-and yet too scared to die.
And so, I hid behind my mask
the people around me would never know
that behind close doors
my mistakes would manifest
into Long. Red. Scars.