Mistakes

I’ve done things I regret.

Things that the Bible lays out as sin.

I was never raised a Christian

I found God after society had planted its seed.

I found God when I was at my darkest.

I was a teen girl who had already been told she was ugly

-who had been corrupted by the movies and magazines.
I was a nerd who learned that being smart wasn’t that great

-who saw that she was at the bottom.

I was a lonely girl who had already experienced to the cruelties of relationships

-who was willing to give anything to keep a boyfriend

And so, even after I had found my eternal salvation

I knew life through high school was going to be a struggle.

 

Once the seed of society had sprouted

I hated myself.

Because I knew I was saved from Hell

I wanted to end it.

Late at night I would find myself questioning

why I was here

would anyone miss me if I were to disappear?

I was a coward who could never do it

-who lived her life in pain.

I was an ungrateful kid who didn’t see the friends she had

-who pushed everyone away.

And so, alone and hated,

too cowardly to end my pain

I turned to my own personal sins.

 

I found myself clinging to a guy who never loved me.

I exposed not only my heart to him.

But everything beneath the cloth.

He threatened to leave time and time again

but I couldn’t live without his desire for me.

even if it was just for my body.

I needed him to lust for me

-so I had something to cling to.

I was so scared

-thinking if he didn’t want me, no one would.

I changed so much when I was with him

-wearing clothes that would “make me look good”

But it was never enough.

And so, when he left

hating my body and my self

I turned to mutilation.

 

I knew there would be questions.

So I thought it out very well.

People never saw my upper thighs

what a perfect place.

I knew it would hurt,

but it was a good distraction.

I found myself crying every night

and to stop the tears

I tore into my own skin.

I was a pathetic girl

-who could only hurt herself.

I was so tired and so alone

-and yet too scared to die.

And so, I hid behind my mask

the people around me would never know

that behind close doors

my mistakes would manifest

into Long. Red. Scars.

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