I often wonder how I got here
I wonder when did I begin to feel this way?
When did my life become a wonderland?
Where nothing is what it seems
And Everything is upside down and backwards all at once
It is impossible to tell what I am doing
I hide behind a Cheshire smile
And everyone seems to buy it
But there's a war on the inside
And I feel like I'm slowly disappearing
I feel like I'm a white rose that's painted red just because someone else prefers red
Like I'm a house of cards one breath away from collapsing
And two steps away from reality
Because with the cards down, even I can't tell if I'm bluffing
It seems like every week I have an identity crisis
And I ask myself "Who are you?"
And on good day I answer confidently "You are you" and that's it
There is nothing else you can be
But on the other days I answer "Not good enough"
On the other days I cry for person that I want to be
For the person that seems so far away
I struggle to slay my jabberwockkies
I struggle to put down the things inside me that say I can't do it
What if I fail?
How can others have faith in me when I can't even trust myself
I wait for them to drop the gavel
To declare "this one's no good, off with her head!"
I wait for them to throw me away
But they don't
And I secretly wonder if it's because they know I have already lost my head
Do they know I live in a mad house that lies solely in my head?
Do they know I'm pretending to be like them?
Do they know but just choose to ignore these things?
Or maybe they feel this way as well
I wonder if maybe the madness lies on the outside rather than the inside
Is it our surroundings that makes us this way?
Makes us feel as if we have to be someone else
Makes us feel as if we need a mask to hide the madness that's common to all of us
Why do we hide the madness that ties us all together and yet makes us unique at the same time?
I look around and I see half-moon smiles just like mine and I am comforted
And wonder if we're simply all mad
Or if it's just me
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