one night we stayed up real late

together watching sad movies and eating pasta

and i noticed him noticing my hands

i willed them to stop shaking.

two days and four hours later

he asked me about them

i only told him what he needed to hear

but nothing else

he said he felt honored

i said he was wonderful

i didn’t say that what i told him barely even broke the surface

there was nothing about how it is almost painful for me to walk through a hallway or anywhere public

but i swallow that ache and go anyway

or how i hate looking people in the eyes because

it makes my skin itch and my wrists hurt and my mouth go dry

or even how i am so afraid that

no one will ever love me because

having anxiety is not an honorable thing

i won’t ever tell him

that even though i told him next to nothing

he is more than something to me