The words slipped from my breath so easily, that I didn’t even know they were gone. I was always a step behind the rest, but I never thought I would actually be left alone. The war is over but I’m still in the midst of a battle. A battle that has been forgotten by the bystanders, but I still remember. Outsiders looking in will ask why I didn’t stop it. And sometimes I even ask myself that same question. But honestly, I really had no power to stop it. But the question that honestly needs to be asked is what kind of man would put a girl through all that, especially “his” girl. Yet no one thought to ask that. Why was the blame always on me?
Sometimes I wish I was dead. When I’m not home, I know I don’t really mean that. But then when I come back, I just want to scream until the air runs out. It gets annoying when I keep asking the same questions, but maybe if I keep asking someone might finally give me an answer. Until then, I sit in silence. My thoughts echo in my mind. “I wish he could see me now.” What would he say? Would he laugh? Would he cry? Would he walk away with his head down in shame? “I wonder if he admits what he did to me.” Does he feel guilty? Does he feel satisfied? Would he apologize? Or would he smirk at my heartbreak.
Reality sets in when the clock buzzer goes off. I’m still sitting in silence but this time I hear my heartbeat. As my breathing gets heavier, the beats of my heart start to speed up. I can feel it in my throat. Why is it that I fell for it? I wouldn’t be crying in darkness, if only I resisted this one. I did plenty of times. Why not this one? He had me wrapped around his middle finger. Why couldn’t I see that? I didn’t want to see that he was the problem. He made me believe that I was the problem. But that was only half right. My stomach aches. I thought it was from being away from him. No it was telling me to get AWAY from him. I ignored everyone who had ever mattered to me. Just to prove them right, but hurt all of them in the process. Their eyes tell me they are better than me. And I know they are, but now I can no longer look at their face.
When everyone I knew growing up looks at me, their gaze questions who I am. I’m not a little girl anymore. I’m not my father’s little princess anymore. No matter how much I long to be. No matter how hard I try, it will never happen. I just want to see that smile in his eyes. But that smile runs down his cheeks as tears. I want so badly for someone to catch me. I want to be saved. Someone from the outside who watched me drop.
I stay by the sidewalk while everyone around me is running in the street. I can see the laughter of others around me, yet im set below them, in tears. People don’t know. They will never know. No words can explain everything that he did. No amount of adjectives can express the emotions involved. So when I say no one understands, I mean it. My emotional state is different from someone else going through the same shit. Don’t try to sympathize with me. I don’t want you to feel bad. I don’t even want you to understand because I care for you too much to go through all of that. I just ask for your trust, for your faith. Please, please….. Stay by me. ??