I had felt the down

before.

It was never

this bad though.

I was a

freshman

in high school

and I wrote a handful

of suicide letters…

just incase

the inevitable

happened.

I didn’t think about it

too much.

Didn’t realize it was

                        not normal.

I thought it was

                        normal

                        to get ready to

                        die at 13;

                                                normal

                                                to think about

                                                what life would be like

                                                without me in it;

                                                                                    normal

                                                                                    to leave hidden codes

                                                                                    and messages

                                                                                    for my family to find

                                                                                    and solve

                                                                                    once I was gone.

I knew I was

depressed

and I knew what

depression

was, but I never

connected the fact

that I needed help.

Momma said I was fine.

            Sister said I was fine.

                        I said I was fine

                                    because I wasn’t one of the ones

                                    who cut themselves.