Dear Mommy,  

 

I love you.

 

A simple 8 letters, you put them together and all of a sudden they mean everything.

They are a small utterance of a huge emotion and we are all stuck on this notion, that without them... we are nothing

 

I

I know about the secrets

I know about the little white lies you tell yourself each day.

But why lie when the truth is something you can’t hide.

I watched as you quickly turned to a pit of black and by the time you turned back there was nothing left but shattered hearts of the loved ones who no longer knew your color.

I know about the signs

I know that there are only so many reasons for teeth to decay

I’ve seen the Dialated Pupils and the Irrational Mood Swings.

But Truth or Dare? Do you want to play? Or are you scared to lose, because of the truth you can’t tell and the dares you’re too afraid to take.

You never dared to resist the drugs and violence so why start today?

But there are still questions that remain like

Why, despite the endless pain, do you still beg him to stay?

He destroyed your entire life, and he ruined everything in mine

So why do you still choose to touch the same flame that has burns you every time?

 

Love

The foreign word slips off my lips as I wonder what this really is

As a kid I was neglected of the love that you were supposed to give

You taught me not what love is but what it is not.

I hope my Future treats me better than yours ever did

I pray I never again have to pour make up over the black blotches left by his bloody fists          

I desire for a daughter, one just like me

I pray that I am one day a mother

A mother that you will never be.

I wonder if you remember what we used to be

Mommy I wonder

Whatever happened to that mother daughter thing that we had going on when I was your everything?

Whatever happened to the unconditional love that you preached when I was so young... oh so naïve.  

So naïve to think you could be telling the truth, but now I know unconditional only applies when the conditions suit you.

 

You

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me through your own guilt mommy?

Can you hear me through the over doses and the hangovers?

Or are the walls of the jail cell too thick?

For years, all there was to hear were the broken prayers of the daughter you left behind when you chose everything else over the one you brought to life

You brought me to life

But I’m not living at all

Not Without You

You that I love

But listen to me now as I declare that I am perfectly fine

I have come to an understanding that you have better things to occupy your time

And over the years, I have found myself in the vacant places where you should have been

I discovered my own strength in the same places that you made me weak

I taught myself how to breathe when my one night lasted longer than your whole week

And believe it or not, somewhere along the way, I learned how to love... how to love myself... how to look in the mirror and say those 3 meager words that you never bothered to teach me...

 

A simple 8 letters, you put them together and all of a sudden, they mean everything.

 

I love you.

 

                                                                                    Sincerely, from the Me Without You.