Alexandria Walker

Something's diffrent.
The sound of his voice.
The horrible words that he says over and over again.
What the hell did I do?
He doesn't slap my ass anymore.
Nothing but crude words.
And when I try to lay my head on him.
I feel him tense up as my heart literally breaks and aches.
It almost pissees me off and puts every womanly instinct I have on edge.
Wtf.
That's all I keep thinking.
I haven't changed.
My conciusness is clean and loyal.
Absolutely nothing has changed on my part.
Except I'm getting fucking pissed.
Wtf.
After pondering in the situation a good deal and somehow comparing a few notes.
I've come to the conclusion that somehow something or possibly someone are consuming his thoughts lately.
I feel as if he thinks I'm stupid.
And honestly annoyed by me.
I have no one.
Like absolutly no one to turn to.
No one to confide in.
No one to take me in.
Because all I do is stay in this house.
He thinks I sit around all day.
That I'm relaxing, happy and calm.
I think he thinks I'm lazy too.
There's five little humans and him who run rampant through my only place I hoped to forever be my home and him.
This is my house.
I clean it.
And try to defend it with all the energy I have.
Laundry. Only I do it. All of it.
Seven people.
I'm the only one who does dishes.
Eight years now.
Only me.
I take out the trash too.
I got this house.
Lately he's so consumed in his own little world.
I don't think it involves me or any version of me in it.
He has done something almost every weekend for eight weekend now.
I stay home.
I'm. About. To. Flip. The. Fuck. out.
I can handle being at home and running this bitch….
because I love this man.
With all my heart and body.
But sometimes the words he says over and over cut and linger.
Hes the only other person I physically and thought emotionally talked with.
Now…
Wtf.
Im the one who backs down when we argue.
I'm not going to do this.
Wtf.
Thought we were way the fuck past this.
Almost nine years together.
I love this man.
He's my best friend.
We have been through some heartbreaking shit together.
We saw each other break down at our rawest and crave any sort big high when possible to get through the hell we did.
He is my king.
I'm his queen?
I just want to know if he really does love me.
That he respects me and believe half ass in me and what I'm capable of when the babies are not babies anymore.
However.. if say another female or females are in his mind.
He's being bitter because he's I honestly don't fucking know.
He is not turned on by me or wants to talk to me and only me.
Then.. wtf.
Let me act a fool..
Let my heart break.
I'll cry.
It will. Hurt.
Like I said.
I physically love this man.
Heart and body.
But I'm pretty sure I will be okay.
Crazy.
Hurting.
pissed.
Years wasted.
Ambitions haulted.
Hobbies demolished.
My day completely empty.
With four little humans I created and I know damn sure 84 percent better than any other human alive.
Love me please.
Don't string me along and torture me just because you can.
I have no kin besides my sisters.
No money.
No job.
No income.
And I depend completely in him.
I feel as if that is some how annoying him.
I.do. Not. Do. Anything.
I stay home 100 percent of the day.
I get no materialistic thing.
None.
We broke or I'm not worth it I guess.
But I love him.
I wish I could physically hurt him.
Let me go if im not the female on your mind.
Let along the women you LOVE and WANT to spend the rest of your LIFE with.
. .
Its not fair to me.
I'll leave you the fuck alone and won't bother you with my voice or time ever again.
Promise.
I will not beg or look pathetically desperate or be in love with a man who does not physically or mentally want me.
I just want to feel loved and respected on some level.
I love him.
All I want is him.
He's my best friend.
He has seen me all dolled up and all cried out.
Seen me at my worst and then some.
And I knew he still loved me.
Now.
Is he bored?
And I older and not as pretty?
Wtf.
My heart hurts.
My head aches.
I feel achey and numb.
I want to sleep forever.
I hope he still loves me.
If not…
My life's about to change forever