You thought that you were ugly, so you learned to be invisible.
Learnt to look down, to avoid conversation and peoples stares; you spent your hours, days, weekends in quiet solitude.
Ah, the weekend nights alone, where were you? In your room?
Stealing any chance to get away from those who make you feel so ill-at-ease and strange.
Yeah i think i know you, it all sounds familiar to me.
you're very sensitive; but you hide it, because you fear of getting broken in half again... You hate the feeling of being vulnerable, the hate builds in you whenever you feel the slightest bit of it seeping out of you... Because when that happens someone takes advantage of you again. They all mistake your kindness for weakness and in turn use you for everything your worth, even though to yourself you feel like you're worth nothing at all.
You wish with everything in your body that you weren't afraid of happiness, but whenever you encounter it something always rips it away... So you build a wall around yourself to keep the light and happiness away, but all your heart longs for is to be loved... begs for someone to heal it and just keep it safe, but you feel no one like that is out there in the world.
You spend your many hours day dreaming when your supposed to be focusing, nights consisting off silent cries while you hold yourself at night... Imagining someone special doing it instead of you.
I wish i knew who you are, i wish i did so i could talk to you.. i know how you feel.
you feel something within you deepen and grow, the intense depression you have been shoving off and pushing deep within your soul is arising. As you see everyone else around you walk through life as if it is a gift you get infuriated, because all you do is sit there and watch yourself screw up every single chance you get for happiness... Watching it like you're looking from the outside in.
no matter how much pain you feel though you still move on, you still try and i need to ask how you do it? how are you so strong when all everyone ever does is pick on you and tear you down even more?
You look in the mirror every morning, desperately trying to find something that you like, yet you don't find one damn thing. i can see it though, my memory of you getting more clear, i see how much you bottle up everyday so your friends don't worry... you fear they will think you are being over-dramatic so you push everything down in their presence... they look into your eyes and still don't see your soul begging for help! yet how come i can see every once of pain?!?!
looking at you i see how broken you are, how tired you've gotten from pushing so hard to be "happy"... though i know you know what you're doing when you push everything down, but you don't care, you want to snap... why can't anyone see this!? why do i have to see this..
you keep to a distant space from everyone that wants to help and love you, you feel its fake and will end like it always does.. why does this happen to you? why do you think these thoughts when you look i the mirror? why do you believe everyones mean and hurtful lies? why can't you just see that you are amazing and talented and beautiful and super nice and funny and just a great person with a huge heart?!?! why... why do i feel like i know you..?
i can feel it now; the cold seeping into everything that i am, chilling me till i'm hard and cold as stone.. why am i feeling what is happening to you? i know at night the pain is worse, unbearable even, you cry silent tears and clutch at yourself.. feeling pieces break, knowing you will wake up and put a smile on for everyone, living in a constant battle to keep yourself from falling off the edge.
im looking at you now and im surprised at how tired and older you look, im shocked at how much pain has been caused in your life and how your shoulders slump with the weight of it all yet you still manage to get ready and look pretty every morning... how do you do that?
i hear that voice that tells you terrible things, i wish i could stop it because its breaking my heart. this moment of staring into your blue gray, downward tilted, big innocent looking eyes... i see things that you have done and things that have happened...
im seeing you hurt yourself and trying to hide it from your family, i see all the tears, all the pain, therapy sessions,the anxiety attacks that scared you, the daily night pills for your depression disorder and anxiety.. everything and its killing me cause i just want to help you...
you call your depression, the monster, you give it a home and a name... you're so used to it that it lives there now... why did you let it control you for so long?? tell me who you are..
it all stops, at that question and statement reality snaps me back into place. in front of the mirror and seeing myself i notice everything and realize who i had been describing and talking to..
saying out loud to myself i say, "i know who you are; i know exactly what you're going through and how hard it is just to get up in the morning..." i see my lips move and i continue, "i am Ashley... Although those questions have answers i don't know them.. we are one in the same.. and always will be."