My alarm clock rings
I hit snooze
At least 3 or 4 times before rolling out of bed

I walk to the dresser, my head in a dense fog
And take my antidepressants
Which some days, I wonder if it even makes a difference.

I glance at the weather on my little glowing screen
Grab the first clothes that kind of match and won't make me freeze
And throw them on

On my drive my mind races
Existential dread
Loneliness
Confusion
Unworthiness
Memories of Abuse
Trying to fight any anxiety or depression in vain
At war with myself
The usual menu

I step out of my car and show them I'm normal
Good morning, how are you?
I'm alright I usually say, or sometimes well I'm here
My honesty is uncompromised because this is how I've been all my life, I am used to this by now

I go out to greet the school buses
And then I see you

One child, two children, three and four
My little loves step out the school bus door
The steps almost half their size
I look at you all and see the light in your eyes

Inside the classroom we will face our day
And my life's one true purpose is to love and help you
A slew of diagnoses thrown in a preschool classroom
Autism
Global development delay
Epilepsy
Angelman syndrome
Down syndrome
Arthrogryposis multiplex congenita
Chromosome 10 deletion

Diagnoses like these are generally met with pity
By well meaning adults who don't know you
Who see the can't talk, can't walk, can't use your hands, can't understand
And not the can communicate, can move, can express, can use your toes to color, can learn

I am glad that at ages 3 and 4 you are not aware of your can'ts
And I admire your attitude of absolutely I can
More so than that, I admire your love
Love for friends and for family and for teachers and everyone you meet
Innocent and unconditional
Kind and pure

Helping you learn to deal with anger
Or to pee in the potty
Or to communicate with assistive technology
Or to walk
And watching you grow each and every day, smothering me in your love and affection
My little loves keep me going.