A little girl behind closed doors

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I play, I laugh, and I cry.

But mainly I cry, a lot.

Hidden behind walls I’ve built and

In those I live,

I cry.

A façade created by the strength people expect of me.

I am weak inside. I say words don’t hurt me,

I lie.

I say, “I’m fine.”

I lie.

 

I used to be better, things didn’t hurt as much.

That was a time when the walls protecting me were made of

nearly impenetrable rock.

But slowly softening over time until

I was made of holes.

You say you can’t trust me, you who go around gossiping

and spreading lies, can’t trust me?

Simply because…

...because I was happy.

Because I wasn’t afraid to say what I thought?

 

Congratulations Judas, Brute, and Benedict

You ripped me down and I have stayed down.

Once I was timid, now timid to a fault.

I’ve kept myself in so much that I drown.

 

Years have gone by since those days.

I don’t wish to go back and put you down.

Not even as a passing phase.

Because that has made me better,

I write this to you now as a letter.

 

Your cruelties made me open my eyes.

I strive to include those when I was left out.

I have no doubts that you were cruel and horrid to a

little girl.

Those memories plague me.

I cry behind closed doors. I fear of loneliness because

of the betrayals of you, my dear friends way back when.

That should have been the end of our friendship

were I anyone else, but you made me more kind-hearted.

 

Still, in light of this, I would not change

those days when you spurned me.

I like my compassion that your meanness developed.

So, I thank you for that.

 

Yet, today if I could just change one thing-

It would still be me.

I loathe hiding in the shadows.

Fearing judgment from everyone, I hide

behind closed doors.

 

Behind closed doors I can be naked and free.

I can cry, have wit and a loose tongue

without fear of how my “friends”

perceive me. 

 

This is why, if I could change just one thing,

I would open the closed doors, step out of

the shadows and just be me.

Me as I am and should be.

 

I don’t want to change the world.

If I, as I am, don’t have the power or the strength

To push the weights off my chest…If I can’t stand up for

Myself on my own two feet after Twenty-One years when

a colt can stand up just hours after being born-

then I have no right to chase after the clouds or the world.

 

All I want to change, is myself

To no longer be the little girl who hides and cries

But a young woman not hiding behind a guise

Standing strong and unafraid. 

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