Left to my heart beating in tune
To the crickets melody
Of midnight sorrows,
I think.

I think of everything that
Could've been,
Would've been,
Should've been.
But as the darkness grows crueler,

And my heart descends further,
My mind starts to wander
Further into the abyss

Of memories and times gone by,
When finally I land on a destination.
What did I truly want?

The question is like an asteroid.
And my mind,
In all it's atmospheric qualities,
Tries to break this question down.
Before it makes a crater on Planet Mind.
But then it becomes evident. 

 

I wanted you.
I wanted to watch movies with you every morbid Wednesday night,

With the evergreen smell of home infiltrating my nose.
I wanted to travel with you whether it be across the street,
Or across the world.
I wanted to make you proud.
I wanted to be good enough for you.
I wanted you to be there. 
I wanted to be with you.
I wanted you to think of me.
I wanted you to remember it all.

 

All of the mistakes.

All of the regrets.

All of the memories.

All of the love.
And maybe,
Just maybe,
Feel a hint of regret for all of it.

But,
No matter how ill I wish you,
As I am reminded of you
Day.
After.
Wretched.
Day.
I want you to know after all of this, 
All that you've said.
All that you’ve done.
All that you've put me through.

I forgive.

I forgive you for making me feel like
Just another spec in the universe.
Because those feelings of
Terror.
Insignificance.
Worthlessness.
Have only
Ever
Always
Led me to finally shine light upon the corner that proves,

We’re all specs.

Every single one of us is a spec in the universe.

Insignificant and meaningless.

 

But these specs have energy.

These specs have light.

Which theoretically means,

We are able to light up what is around us.

We do not have to light up the whole universe,

That’s too much and too far for most.

 

Although,

We can light up what is around us.

And that is enough.

We can change the situations we are in,

No matter how difficult.

We can make the negatives into positives.
Even a minuscule spec like me still has the potential to do something
Bright.
Wonderful.
Incredible.

Lives are too beautiful to be wasted upon
Sadness.
Regret.
Emptiness.
And I'm not going to waste the entirety of the light I have on the negatives.

The light I have may not be anything extraordinary.
But,
Like every ember of fire,
I can still shine on what is around me.

Even if you're in darkness,
I don't have to be.
And now I can finally see,
That's fine with me.