Dear Earth,

Am I worth living on you? Do I serve any purpose to you? I feel like I am just another parasite feasting on your pure, life-giving breast. I wouldn't’t be surprised if you haven’t wished I, along with all the other humans, were gone every so often. When we pollute your lungs, poison your bottomless bloodstreams with the powerful liquid of the deteriorated creatures who once peacefully roamed your body. When we kill your youth for our own selfish desires. Aren’t you tired of it all? I know I am. Sometimes I lay awake at night staring at your lover, the moon, slowly making her way down to kiss your cheek, and I think of all the things I can’t, or rather, won’t do, because I am a coward. I cannot breathe sometimes, the weight of your hate and love is too much for my damaged psyche. I am weak, people tell me otherwise but the words are through one ear out the other. They say words cannot hurt you, but for me, they cannot comfort either. I have people who I would die for, and they’d die for me too, but somehow, even around them, I am lonely. I am lonely even living on your body, with the billions of other complex humans like me you’ve reluctantly cared so much for.  You don’t have to say you love me out of pity, you don’t have to worry about me, don’t shed a single tear for me, I am merely a passing pedestrian. You are in so much pain, everyday, because of people like me, taking you for granted. We take your priceless gifts and turn them into waste, then we complain about it as if we weren't’t the ones who created it. We’ve made a joke out of you, when in reality you’re a mother, being tortured by her own children.  Somehow I can torture you and myself all at the same time. I do nothing to help you, I should be nothing to you, yet you let me stay. Why? Why was I even born? Why did you spin and dance around the sun in a pattern allowing me to be conceived? What was the point? What can I do that takes no work whatsoever? I am lazy and I procrastinate, and I don’t stop it, I put effort into so little these days, so I ask for effortless tasks. I don’t sleep enough, then I don’t work or push myself so I can be tired enough to sleep. In many ways, I’ll admit, I hate you. Your endless rotation is way too fast for my meek and stressed mind. I can’t get any energy up in just 10 to 12 hours of sunlight, but then I can’t shut down and update in the same time in the night. I am too slow for you, for anyone, I am slow in every way. And yes, sometimes I force myself to blame you, cause it hurts too much to keep hating myself, but I can never stop.  I use the words “never” and “cannot” because sometimes it just feels easier to completely give up and believe that I am worth nothing. What hurts most is the fact that I know I could be trying harder, I’m just too scared all the time to apply myself to anything. It all sounds like lame excuses I know it does. I think I am, as my therapist once said, stuck in a limbo of sorts. Where a desire for life collides with a strong desire to crack into two, I am made of glass, beautiful some say, but easy to break. Now I feel I have to change the topic, because I’ve been conditioned to not talk about myself so much, it’s too pretentious. So I’ll continue to ask you questions, after all, you’re the literal earth, the stories you could tell must be endless. What was it like to be just fairy dust, floating in a lightless space, than to suddenly explode with chemicals and feelings? Weren't’t you scared? To me it is terrifying to be hit with so many unknown emotions at once. It is funny, because I want to feel, but I feel so safe in my suffocating dark box. I just can’t imagine being in emptiness then all of a sudden, BAM! There is warmth, chills, tears, hot gases and rain storms all at once. A primordial soup of emotions. How did you handle that? Even over millions of years it still wasn't’t a gradual change, was it? At the same time being empty is unbelievably boring and constricting, often I want to cry, but I can’t, I don’t know how to unless in a panic. I am so, so so so so SO very tired all the time. There are people who are suffering more than me though, so why should you care about me? Huh, there I go again, complaining about my problems when I really just want to be there for you, I’m so self-centered in the most peculiar way. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. That’s all I say. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m such a burden, such a waste, such a spoiled brat. I’m sorry, and I rarely forgive or forget, I’m a hypocrite. I’m sorry I’m complaining again. Really, how are you? Will you even get this letter? If so, could you tell me one other thing? Does this feeling ever go away? Completely, I mean, not just for a week, or a day, or a few hours but permanently, gone. And all that will remain is control, understanding, and contentment. Have you ever had a permanent state like that? Maybe it was way back when the ice ages were finally over and animals just simply roamed, eating and sleeping, nothing crazy at all. But then we humans came didn't’t we? Maybe that is the answer to my question. All throughout life, you’ll have some really bad experiences and states of mind, but then those times of peace come, and it will all be worth it. I say that, and it may, or may not, be true, either way it’s so hard to believe when you’re in one of those terrible states. For me it does feel like I am a survivor, but I’m the survivor still in the middle of the battlefield. Does it feel like that for you? Again, I’m sorry for wasting your time, you probably have a lot to do, you know, being the Earth and all. I’ll try to get actually humans to talk to me soon, so I don’t have to keep bothering you with these. I wish you the best, and I’ll try to do the same for myself too.

No worries,

Isabella  

P.S.. It’s been a couple weeks since I wrote this and I was too scared to send it, but I’m glad I didn't’t. Earth, thank you, for blessing me with all these smart minds, no younger than me, but so wise. I’m glad you recycle that old matter to make me, and to make them as my companions. Thank you for blessing me with genuine smiles. Thank you, for happiness, fulfillment and love, thank you so much.