Laughter, that wonderful blessing yet terrible curse that rips my heart into pieces.
Laughter, the key to my joy and the searing hell that keeps me wanting to die.
Laughter is the sunshine that lifts me up with happiness and the cloud that crushes my heart.
When I laugh with friends it is an amazing memory I share with them,
But laughing brings the haunting memories of bullying.
How can laughing bring the best memories,
And the worst memories at the same time?
As I laugh and think on happy times In the back of my mind lurk the strangers in my new class, new school, new year,
Laughing at me for something, always laughing at ME
All I think about is why am I the one to be unpopular every year?
I scream inside my own skull… Why am I the one to be talked about by people I’ve never even spoken to before?
People judge me, assume things about me, laugh at me
Without ever asking even a single question of me. They know nothing of the hell I went through. Genuine, innocent laughter; a wonderful tonic for most,
Yet a demonic force that keeps my mind spinning because I am afraid to hear the corrupted laughter fromTHEM when I say the wrong thing and screw up.
So I rehearse the things I am going to say, Practice the moves I will make,
And question my every move with "What if?"
They don't understand the soul crushing times where I just want to give up and die.
How laughter is a wonderful thing that keeps me from being myself because I'm afraid that I'll hear the judgemental laughter followed by the screaming voice telling me to die.
So I blast music in my ears to silence the voices of the corrupted laughter,
But the memories of the bullying and teasing drown out even the blasting music.
But still laughter is a terrible thing that keeps me smiling.
Laughing gives me a reason to live when I laugh with my friends
And keep the good memories recent so I don't need to dig deep in the past to find a happy time.
Laughing with my friends keep me from drawing another art project with a razor on my skin as the canvas
Laughing with my friends keep me from thinking about the misery I have to deal with.
Laughing gives me hope for my future and allows me to strive for my goals I hope to accomplish,
And the plans I dream about.
It keeps me motivated,
And feeling happy.
Laughing is a wonderful thing that rips my heart into pieces.