judah/judas/jude
judah
The problem was never
that i didn’t love you
enough
the problem was that i
i have always
loved you too fiercely
wanted more than you could give more than you would give
more than you could even consider
that you wanted me less than her
whoever “she” was.
the problem was
is
that she’s the one you write back to.
I understand i’ve always understood
i love her too
But for the past months you did nothing but complain
mention she only ever picks fights
in your precious few phone calls
all the while you and I grow closer
share more experiences, more secrets, more drinks and trips
JUDAS
you have become my
betrayer
I don’t understand what i did what i didn’t do
why you don’t love me
I;ve always tried my best
to make you happy, more than i ever tried
to make myself,
happy.
i was trying my best when i fucked you,
three days after she broke your heart
two days before you were set to leave for
six
goddamned
months
we talked about it so
Sweetly
and you told me what you were going to do,to me
and that i had grown since we last were together so sweetly
and in the Morning we woke up ant we talked about things and agreed
not to make a big deal of it
i’m sorry I never stopped loving you
too fiercely
maybe i’m sorry i never stopped loving you in general
i never saw why i needed to stop
loving you.
Jude.
i’ve been telling you that i love you
for as many years as i’ve known you
(which is five or six now, i believe)
((time passes differently and i remember it less well since shit hit the fan))
i thought that would be enough, for me to say i love you
and hear it back
I didn’t know you would write back to Her first
and me, never
to tell her that you missed her more than anything else
more than family
more than the sunset over the lake and the stars in the sky above our city our state our homes
that you Love her, gods above and below do you Love HER
more than she knows
more than you could ever say in puny human words
I didn’t know i wasn’t supposed to tell you
that she’s doing well, that she’s moving on that shes okay
i sure as fuck wasnt supposed to drunkenly snapchat you about the 30yr old she’s hooking up with
behind her new boyfriends back
wasn’t supposed to drunkenly snapchat you
to tell you that not only do i love you
but i am In Love
With You
and now im not supposed to worriedly count the days until you get a phone back and Pray to every god you helped me find
that you don’t confront her about it and oust me
that you don’t confront me about it that you let my confessions wither the way i want my body to wither, forgotten unless requited.
the problem was never that I didn’t want You