For Journalism Class

Fri, 07/10/2020 - 14:34 -- Tal543

People all around the world have been devastated by the coronavirus. Rarely do people want to look at or talk about the upside to this pandemic. My upside to being forced to stay home is a dark one.

On Mondays and Wednesdays for this semester my phone alarm goes off at 7 a.m., on Tuesdays and Thursdays it goes off at 9 a.m. I like to try to get up early because you see the mornings are the hardest part of my day. Some days my eyes open and I feel like I have too much energy, so if I have time I go for a run. Other days I wake up and my feet have to drag me out of bed so I can go on with another day. No matter how I feel when I wake up I always have one goal in mind for the day- don't break down. It makes no difference really somewhere along that mix of 12 hours I will.
It will be painful and I will try to fight it, like I have been for almost two years now. I will tell myself that my heart will mend and I will find someone new. I will tell myself that you will not be the only man I will ever love. Some days I tell myself that you will come back. That you have to because there is no way, I refuse to believe that I will need to live with this misery for the rest of my life. And I will go to school with this same mindset.

Some days I feel vengeful. On those days, I want to be appealing to the opposite sex. Then, I will put on makeup. I will do my hair. I will wear something that makes it more obvious I am a woman. I will go out into the world with my mind set on being a tease. My only motivation being, making men want something they can't have. They can't have me, they can't have my heart- it already belongs to someone who doesn't want it. My intention is not to make them feel the way that I do. It is not the embodiment of "misery loves company." I don't want to break their heart. I just want them to know what it feels like to not be wanted, to be neglected by someone you want.

Last month, we students of Seminole State College received the message that the classroom would be conducted online. For many this would mean sleeping in, doing classwork whenever you want, etc.

To me this change has helped me embrace my broken heart. I don't need to get up and figure out an outfit for the day. I don't need to shower. I don't need energy so I don't have to force myself to eat. I can spend all day in bed crying if that's the only thing that comes easy to me. I have alarms to remind me when I have assignments due or a Zoom meeting. I don't have to force myself to do barely anything, no distractions from thoughts of you, I can replay our last conversation over and over in my head searching for an answer to what it all meant.

I don't have to try to fix it now, I wear the pieces like a medal.

This poem is about: 
Me
Our world

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