Its Never Too Late to Blossom

Tue, 12/27/2016 - 15:46 -- Mesa

Disillusioned once again

I thought I could sleep my emotions away

Instead, I drifted into dreams deeper than tree roots

Where my body and subconscious paralleled...

Submerged in the depths of the earth

I wriggled, fighting for sunlight

In my bed, I writhed between my sheets

My spirit drowning in tears

I suffocated over and over again

Only to wake up to my distressed awareness

Perspiring, clenching my comforter

Reminded of my past and unwilling to forgive

I beseeched my heart, “give me amnesia”

Denied and forced to lie awake

My mind flooded by the residue of nightmares

Characterized by flashbacks, flashpoints, forecasts, emptiness

I had to get up  

 

Impulsively channeling through the present

Last night’s dream repressed

As he grips my thighs and bites my neck

As artificial lights grace the hungry crowd

Ecstasy inundates the atmosphere

Natural highs relieve me

But as soon as the revelry ends

Memories somehow rupture the surface

Reminding me that I’m still in the dirt

Praying for rain and sunshine

 

I then forage through mazes of mirrors

Dizzy, I only find ambiguity, “where am I?”

Nauseous, “I’m sick of being lost”

Lost, “I can’t seem to find purpose”

I want to sleep again, but

After last night’s dream

I resort to alternatives...

 

Daydreams, uninterrupted by memories, never happens

Fantasies actualizing, is rare too

Hallucinogens, not my style

Alcohol, been there done that

Desserts…

Sweet until the mirror breaks from another zit

Bitter again, not pretty 

I’m not where I want to be

I’m not who I want to be

So, I go back to sleep…

 

Lying awake in the middle of night

No dreams present

A thought crosses my mind

Like a shooting star traversing the sky

“I have time,” I thought.

And for many of us, it takes more time

We’re fostered in a cocoon, like a butterfly

Cradled in a womb, like a baby

Budding, like a late flower

But we’re alive, and growing

In fact, we grow all throughout our lives

So, no need for haste

Wait, late flower, you will blossom

 

This poem is about: 
Me

Comments

Mesa

This poem is about my journey to self-discovery throughout this year. Still juggling with dysphoria and insecurities, I’m definitely not where I want to be. I thought by taking subtle risks, and making some small changes, I’d be in a much different place, but I’m pretty much where I was the year before. I tried to consolidate my whole self, intellectually, aesthetically, politically and ideologically, etc., but it still doesn’t seem to measure up. One moment, I think I have it all figured out, the next, I’m right at the beginning. Through it all, I’m proud of what I have accomplished this year, and I look forward to the New Year, because I will continue to improve in all aspects my life. Writing this poem has helped me conceptualize my disposition and empowers me, greatly.

On another note, New Years is my favorite holiday because it symbolizes rebirth, redemption, recovery. For me, it’s always been a restart button, where I can reflect, refine and reset…I walk into the new year knowing that, “this could be the year.” Even if it’s not, I know there’s many years to come.

Happy New Years

 

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