Trigger Warning - mentions of rape and sexual assault

     Hello. The first word we exchanged. Followed by a firm handshake, that was almost like sealing the deal. Sealing an unspoken promise that friendship meant trust. That friendship meant compassion. That friendship didn’t mean your hands on my body. Your fingertips grazing the edge of my collar. Followed by an introduction. My name is. My name is the smile that you wiped off my face. My name is the pain you traced across my bones. My name is the scars that will never heal, because they aren’t really there. They’re just remnants of your terrible touch across my eight-year old skin. You smiled and stated your name. The five-letter word I didn’t know would turn into abuse. You manipulated me with your twisting mazes. Your cryptic words. Your harsh language. Your name is the memory of regret and shame. Blame I let linger in my mind for years. Turning a child into a victim. Some time later we were skipping. Holding hands. Something I used to believe was normal for two girls. Until it turned into your hand on my leg. Your hand on my neck. Your hand tracing an area I don’t want to remember. I don’t want to remember. But I do. I remember what happened on the bleachers. I remember changing my sheets every time you left my house. I remember the playground. But I don’t remember the beginning. I don’t remember the end. I just remember the worst details, the middle of our story. I’m working on forgiving you. But forgiveness is hard when I can’t remember what you did. Only what I did. What you made me do. I was only nine when it was through. I was only nine. Hello was the first word we spoke to each other and I don’t remember the last. I don’t remember the words in between. I remember asking what I was doing. How it was ok. But you insisted. You told me it was fine. I was confused and naive and you took advantage of it. I don’t remember much, but I remember what was important. The remnants of what I lost scattered in my brain. I wish it hadn’t happened. It set me up for destruction. You paved my twisting narrow path for years to come. You led me down a dark road, showing me images of what I wanted to see. You pointed at the sun, but you didn’t tell me that it could burn me. You pointed at the flowers, I didn’t know were poison. You gave me sparkling glass, I didn’t know you’d make me cut myself with. Hello, followed by a handshake. An unspoken promise. But I guess some promises were meant to be broken. Some lies were meant to be told. And boundaries to be crossed. And lives to be hurt. And minds to be corrupted. And trust to be lost. We started with hello, but I ended with scars. And I guess I’m still followed by your shadow.