Depression.

The feeling that you are

Empty. A burden. 

A shell of someone

You used to be.

Never, ever enough.

Useless. Unwanted. Unloved. 

Isolated, alone, in a dark sea

Of uncertainty and sadness,

Drifting farther and farther

Out of reach.

 

The worst feelings, 

Worst moments, 

Worst memories of your life?

All present, all accounted for.

They play like a constant movie 

Inside you mind

Constantly reminding you

That you don’t deserve

Anything.

 

At times, depending on the person, 

It shows itself as

A gripping, insistent, ever-present 

Numbness.

You don’t feel anything.

Excitement, happiness, even 

Those terrible feelings that

Force themself to the front of 

Your mind and stay there, 

Haunting you, tormenting you.

It’s like a gray fog has descended

Onto your mind.

Apathy, they call it.

You struggle to feel anything, 

Much less hope,

Joy,

Happiness.

The feelings that make you 

Feel like your life is worth living.

It’s dehumanizing, frightening.

Debilitating.

It makes you feel like you don’t 

Deserve happiness, don’t deserve 

To feel human.

 

Other times, depression shows itself

Through constant fatigue.

It feels as if doing the smallest thing

Requires a huge amount of strength,

Energy that you don’t have.

As a result, you lose all motivation

To do anything, all concentration

On important tasks.

Concentration for things you enjoy doing.

Concentration for things you need to do.

 

Depression is a monster.

It takes your mind

And twists it, changes it

To fight against you.

To make you feel like

You constantly want to cry.

Like you AREN’T ENOUGH,

Despite how much you try

And try, and try, and try…

And if you aren’t enough…

Why do you deserve to be alive?

 

When you lay awake at

Night, 

The shadows seem to reach out

Grab you, suffocate you, grow into your

Biggest fears, 

Taunting you

And telling you that you 

Aren’t enough.

That you never will be. 

A whirlwind of emotions

Ravages your mind,

Keeping you awake 

For hours at a time.

The walls close in, 

The night turns too hot…

Too cold…

Until you eventually, 

Finally… surrender

Your bone-weary body

To the darkness of dreams.

 

Or, you sleep too much, trying to

Escape the horrors of your mind.

 

During the day, you hide 

Your exhausted face, 

Bags under your eyes, 

And pale complexion

Behind

A mask. A façade.

The mask you wear

Covers up the brokenness.

The anger.

The desperation.

And replaces it all with a 

Smiling face

The face that you’re expected to

Wear. Even if something is

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Even if you’re struggling.

Even if the last thing you want 

To do is smile.

Because it’s the hardest thing to do.

But…

You still smile, but inside, 

You tell yourself that

You are… useless.

You still laugh, but inside

Your heart aches.

You pass people and say

“Hello!”

And they ask you how

You are doing. 

You consider telling them

About your struggles…

About your troubles…

About your unwanted and 

Dangerous thoughts…

But… 

You hesitate. 

You don’t want them to know.

You don’t want to be the 

Heavy burden

On another person’s shoulders.

So you say…

“I’m fine. Everything is fine.”

 

The mask is carefully crafted

To keep anyone from seeing your

True feelings. It protects you from

Unwanted questions.

But…

It takes energy to keep up.

Energy you don’t always have.

So you live in a state of constant fear 

That you will be found out.

 

Your smile stretches so wide

It almost breaks your mask

And reveals your true feelings

You try so hard to hide. 

 

 

Lunch time.

No one notices, no one asks

Why you aren’t eating anything.

You count your calories again and again

Because it’s one more thing you can control

 

You know that you should ask

For help. For support.

But you don’t want to be 

A burden.

These feelings, you’ve had enough.

You feel unheard, even though

You’ve been calling out 

Into the darkness, 

Hoping to see a light 

Of hope

To silence the terrible thoughts.

The thoughts that threaten to overwhelm you…

To overtake you… 

And yet…

Nothing.

“I’m fine. Everything is fine.”

 

Your life is spinning

Out of control

You grasp onto the things

That you still control

It’s more than you can take

But you desperately hold

Onto the things that 

Seem unchanging.

Meanwhile, your life is at stake.

One more thought, one more

Feeling of worthlessness, 

And your mind will break.

Shatter like glass

Into millions of pieces.

The pieces will then cut you,

Splinter your already broken heart,

And pierce your already fractured soul.

“I’m fine. Everything is fine.”

 

You drift through the halls 

Of school

Like a ghost, trying to cling to 

What matters most.

Nodding along to your friends

And trying to make yourself believe

That you’re on the mend.

That there’s nothing wrong with you.

It’s all in your head.

You pass people who

Laugh. And smile.

Like they are 

Living

Their

Best 

Life.

But you feel all alone.

Worthless, friend-less

Why can’t you have that too?

Because you don’t deserve it.

“I’m fine. Everything is fine.”

 

You sit on the cold tiles

On the bathroom floor.

You’re in denial, you lock the door.

The tears start streaming,

Dripping, falling, splattering

Like raindrops.

Like the blood drops 

You sometimes bring

To punish yourself

For thinking such things.

Filling the vast sea

Of sadness, loneliness. Hopelessness.

You struggle to stay afloat,

You try to remember that

scripture you wrote 

Back when times were easier.

But depression is too 

Powerful, it grips you.

Pulls you under the 

Crushing waves.

You struggle to breathe, 

Struggle to see. 

And just when you feel

Like you can beat it,

To finally feel normal,

Your nightmares become real

And all you feel is

Darkness. 

Sadness. 

Hopelessness. 

Until…

 

Your mom calls you down

To dinner.

You go downstairs.

Put up the mask, summon the 

Last of your strength.

“I’m fine. Everything is fine.”

 

You put on your mask.

You put up your guard.

Your smile that is stretched

Like rubber.

If someone looks at you too

Closely…

They will see your fractured 

Eyes. Haunted eyes.

Eyes that have seen 

The demons that Satan

Had sent to taunt you.

To show you that you…

Aren’t…. 

Enough.

“I’m fine. Everything is fine.”

 

You sit and listen to your

Family talk and laugh.

Their happy voices make you

Feel torn in half.

You don’t eat anything.

You don’t need food where you’re going.

Nobody notices. 

“I’m fine. Everything is fine.”

 

You trudge back upstairs.

Back to the bathroom, back to despair.

You consider taking your life…

You think it’s right…

You actually might… 

 

Depression is a serious problem.

It’s an epidemic that ravages the world

But the worst part is, no one knows

Who is sick. 

Sometimes, the people that are sick

Don’t even know that they are sick.

And people can’t help them.

But most people don’t know

Who is going through 

The worst days, months, years

Of their life.

They suffer alone.

All alone.

Silently enduring the crushing weight

Of hopelessness, sadness, 

Worthlessness. 

And no one knows.

They hide their true feelings.

Their dangerous thoughts.

They act like everything is fine

Until it’s too late to turn back.

They want to turn back.

Little things turn into panic attacks.

They can barely see

Through the tears that

Stay in their eyes,

They desperately want to die.

To finally escape

From all the thoughts

That constantly

Torture them, overwhelm them,

Taunt them, crush them.

They fold, exhausted 

Beneath the overwhelming weight

Of insecurity.

They feel like the world would be 

Better without them.

That others’ lives would be made right.

And the mental illness takes their life.

 

People wonder how thoughts

Can have such a devastating impact

If they aren’t tangible,

Or even true, in fact.

But the truth is,

Thoughts leave trails of

Destruction.

Desolation.

Misery.

And many people believe

That the only way they can cope

That they can escape the horrific lies

That they believe are true…

Is to let depression take their life.

 

More than 47,000 a year die 

From suicide alone.

It’s a leading cause of death.

And most of those suicide deaths were

Caused by depression.

The sensation that

You are drowning in your 

Feelings of hopelessness,

Worthlessness,

Sadness,

Helplessness.

It’s overwhelming.

It controls your mind.

Death by mental illness

Is something that many are blind

To. They don’t understand 

What’s going on, that people are confined

By huge, ever-present thoughts. 

The stigma around suicide

Is huge. People say it’s selfish.

But they need to be reminded

That the people who suffer

From this mental illness truly believe

That they are unwanted.

That they perceive

Life as not worth living,

That no one wants them.

That they are only a burden.

That they are 

All 

Alone. 

 

People don’t understand

That they were just a victim

Of depression.

It wasn’t their fault

They couldn’t control it.

 

This stigma is unfair.

It’s a mark of disgrace.

It stems from fear.

Fear of something that they don’t understand.

Because how can they understand

The scary truth of depression: a hungry

Monster, implanting lies

In innocent people’s minds

And ruining their lives? 

 

But. 

People with depression can get help.

People with depression deserve help.

They can still realize that they are worth

A lot more than they give themselves

Credit for.

People on earth are more than just numbers.

People on earth are more than just statistics.

People on earth are more than their depression.

People on earth are real, alive human beings.

They have thoughts and feelings.

And those thoughts and feelings are valid.

 

But.

It’s possible to get help.

It’s possible to stop

The depressing thoughts

That overwhelm you.

You can take medication

Or talk to someone.

Because everyone deserves

To feel loved

And appreciated

And wanted.

And free

Of the constricting, deadly grip

Of depression.

Everyone is more than just their depression.

Because

Everyone

Is 

Enough.