I'm in Charge of Me

I was so wrong, he
was the one was supposed to love me. Instead, he stripped
the life right out of me. He took away
my burning passion for life, my
want to do anything but make him my world. Self-worth,
couldn’t even tell you what that is, just another layer
he took away using his words like weapons. By
making sure I knew everything that went wrong was my fault. Just another layer he took away from me like it was a game. Until
I would beg him to leave me alone and there
he would to tell me that he was so sorry. That he was
just having a bad day and really missed me. Nothing
I said even mattered to him. I had nothing left
of myself to give but he wanted all of
my tears, my heart, my life, and my
soul. I changed to what he wanted. My personality
was no longer mine but his to control. Yet,
I let him, I let him decide my life. I
Let him yell at me, pick my friends, and the clothes I wore. Never
did I think anything was wrong with this. I forgot
that I could be a person without him. Nothing about
me thought what he was doing was wrong, that was just the
way he loved, right? I mean I was the lucky girl
who he opened up to and could tell anything to, right? I
was put on this Earth to make him happy. He just used
these harsh words to make me better at it. But to
the others, I basically had bruises covering my body. His words and threats being the punishers to my soul. They would whisper “She
could do better than that.” But I lived
in a world where “No one would ever love me”, so inside
my head I was worthless. In my
head I was caught being his savior and downfall. I was caged
in his wraths of “I didn’t mean it.” My soul
slowly dying because of the man I loved. Just waiting
to be screamed at for doing yet another thing wrong. For
me this was my reality. My family and friends, the
ones who actually loved me, didn’t know what was happening. Everyday
I would try to hide my tearstained cheeks and bruised soul. I
was afraid of what they would think. Would

they think I was crazy for staying? Or would my life set
off on a downward spiral before anyone would save me from here?
This is when I wanted to leave but couldn’t. My freedom
was his for the keeping and I couldn’t get it back. Casting
signs of wanting to leave would only make him worse. Here,
is when I knew it wasn’t love. I wanted the light
in my eyes back. I wanted to walk into
a new day happy, not scared. My
world was no longer going to be his. His darkness
wasn’t going to be my problem to fix. But keep in mine,
I couldn’t leave, what would he do to me if I did? Me hoping
he would change was all I could do. But even that
became harder and harder to do. I finally had had enough. I just left and he would do whatever he wanted but I wasn’t going back. To see,
myself happy again was all I wanted. I saw my old self come back in flashes. That fiesta, sweet girl, who had hopes of
making something of herself. No longer a
person that was held on a leash. I am better
than that, at least I hoped I was. I just wanted a life
without being yelled at by someone who “loved” me. Glimpses
of this came when I started opening up about my relationship. Of
course people wanted to help but I didn’t know how. The possibility
of him trying to hurt them always came to mind but I
needed to be set free. I was scared, I was
terrified but I made it out. I will never
let a man treat me like he did. Feeling so alone
in a world surrounded by people is a scary place because
you just want to be free like them. But no longer am I the “She”
everyone talks about. I started to believe
that he was wrong and I was loved in
this world. And now I;m in charge of my freedom, now I’m in charge of me.


This poem is about: 


Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741