if only you were charles xavier

The most frightening thought pops into my head when I am in class and I dread the very idea that someone in this room could possibly read my mind
Of course every potential thought before that moment was casual and wholesome like wow I learned something new or I’m excited for lunch

but suddenly the only words that I can think are profanities

and a stream of curses fill every orifice of my mind constantly repeating over and over and all I can say is thank god for the seven second delay
My thoughts morph and now I am watching Game of Thrones, switching the tab of my bootleg when the inevitable sex scene comes up in an attempt to save my poor virgin eyes but after four seasons I realize a boob is just a boob and I'll never see a dick anyway 
I remember what led to the line of thought and I am thoroughly embarrassed and now every embarrassing moment is happening to me; every teacher I called mom every wrong answer I shouted every step I took that caused me to fall down in public places every time I waved back to someone who was not in fact waving at me and I pray that absolutely no one is seeing my life flash before their eyes
I realize that the only exception I would allow to the forbidden idea of mind reading is you
You when we are alone and we are having a reluctant conversation and I open my mouth but it's like the time I auditioned for a solo I knew I could do well on but the sound did not come out correctly and everything was wrong 

You look at me and I look at you and I know my face is pained with confusion, my features are overrun by the amount I do not understand and clouded by the enigma that sits before me
I wish you could read my mind and hear my thoughts because I do not know how to answer your question without sounding like the exact opposite of what I want to be
I wish I could just say I was in love with you because that seems like the easy way out and everyone knows what that means but it is WRONG it doesn't fit and I cannot profess feelings I do not have unless it is to cover up ones I already do

If you could see into my brain and understand what I associate when I see you when I hear you when you look in my general direction it would all be so much easier

I just need you to understand

You are the harmony on one word of the last chorus of my favorite Nana Grizol song
You are a surprise guest appearance of an actor I love
You are my Rushmore and I hate to quote Kesha but your love is my drug

And though you are all of these

You are the hot tea I spill on myself every morning despite being able to drink on my own for more than a decade

You are the question I read wrong on a test that costs me that perfect score

You are a tangled necklace that seems to have decided to weld itself together

You are a branch of anxiety that I cannot and do not want to get rid of no matter what hurts me because in the end the positive just feels so right and the negative are all things that do not really matter anyway because I can mop up the tea, an A is just as good, and I didn’t like that necklace anyway.

My vocal chords have a vendetta against these words, sent out a burn notice on all phrases that vaguely allow what I need to say to be said, so

I wish you were a mind reader

but at the same time I do not think I can risk those abilities to be real because, who knows who heard me thinking about HBO during Government? 

This poem is about: 
Me
Poetry Terms Demonstrated: 

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741