I need a Trigger Warning

You make me feel like I need a trigger warning stickerWhy. Why didn't I scream? Why didn't I cryWhy didn't I tellWhy did it happenWhy didn't I leave right thenWhy did I get in the backseatWhy did I take off my pantsI was 15.I was not the person in the wrongI was the victim Now I am the survivorAll I wanted was for it to endI waited for it to be overI was dating him so it's okay right?No! It isn't fucking okay even though we were dating Trigger warning! RepressRemindRelive RelapseRepress There are things I don't understandLike why?And Can I really say I was assaulted?Why didn't I scream?I didn't scream. I was too scared to screamToo nervous he wouldn't love meToo anxious to say noToo depressed to risk losing himBut I wasn't readyI gave consent for the first partSo I deserved it right?That is bullshit! I was 15. I was a child!He was 17! 1 year and 9 months older than meHe had experienceHe knew what he was doing, I didn't.He knew better. Trigger warning I was in the back seatI put myself thereI took off my pantsI wasn't really ready but I couldn't lose himI didn't want to go that farHe didn't ask if I was readyOr if I wanted toHe just assumedWe were in the backseatHe didn't checkHe only asked if he should put a condom onI spent the whole time convincing myself that I wanted itThat I was having funThat I wasn't upsetThat maybe after this he would love me foreverIt was just sex for himNo emotion. Just sexWhen it was finally over we didn't cuddleWe got back into the front seatsThen he took me to Wendy's!Wendy's. All I wanted to do was cryI criedAs soon as he left I criedI couldn't compose myselfI was hystericalBut it was my fault right?I put myself there soI asked for it right?  But the lines were blurred right?We were dating right?I didn’t screamI didn’t say noI just let it happenSo maybe it is my fault?Maybe he didn’t know it was wrongMaybe he didn’t know about enthusiastic consentMaybe Trigger warning I was tipsy.You can't consent while tipsyBut somehow I did, according to himSomehow I said yes? I didn't screamI didn't fight backI just let it happenSo it's my fault right? I was wearing a short dressI was kissing himHe is a boy and he has needsIt isn't his faultIt's mine right? No! It wasn't my fault! I was 15! I was drunk! It was rape.I wasn't ready! He knew I wasn't ready! I AM NOT A SLUT He did what he wantedMy feelings didn't matterNo one believes meThey think he's a saintHe isn't a saintHe doesn't deserve the praise he getsHe is painHe is regretHe is my rapistHe isn't kindHe is an actorHe is a liar He isn't just some misunderstood kid!He doesn't care!He KNEW BETTER! I'm okay now I am proud to be a survivorI am relieved to tell the truthI am not brokenI am not a slutI am not who you assumeI am not damaged goodsI did not ask for itI am a human beingI am a personI am more than one thingI am more than a "victim" I am a womenI am a daughterI am a sisterI am a girlfriendI am an equestrianI am a studentI am a friendI am confidantI am relieved  I can't change the pastBut I can change the futureThis is who I am andI don't need a goddamn trigger warning 

This poem is about: 
Me

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