I don't mean it

Sometimes
in order to say what you mean
you can't mean what you say
He won't understand
the heat in my eyes
the monster in the mirror
or the way my stomach becomes a mile deep when I see Him
He only knows the way I felt yesterday's yesterday
when His arms whisked away my fear
and I was selfish enough to revel in His Love.
Today
is losing my mother at the store when I was six
Today
Means that I had forgotten that I am not worthy of Love Today
says, that when I said Forever
I lied
but if I tell Him
that He shouldn't want me
that my sins are too heavy for His light soul
He would never let me save Him
so I hide depression behind "I don't Love you anymore"

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