I don't cry like I used to
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As the tears rolled down my face one by one, that's when I realized I don't cry like I used to.
It's easier to hold back now but those satly damp drops always eventually come.
Crying used to hurt.
I remember feeling my gut become sore and my throat begin to tighten.
My dripping face used to cringe at every thought of sadness,
it came over me like waves.
When I would find myself calm and seemingly collected my thoughts would return to what had upset me all over again and the crying would escalate once more.
I'd curl up into a fetal position,
laying in my bed from the feeling of being alone.
The part I remember most was the gasps of air taken that caused my body to shake and tremble.
My words would be incomprehensiable,
my expresions were suffocated by the pouring down of tears.
When I cried it was loud,
anyone in the house could hear my gasps and whines.
At that moment, all my emotions would be dumped into my pillow but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't quiet myself.
My fingers worked over time
to wipe away every tear that had escaped my sobbing eyes.
When it was finally over I would be exhausted, all my energy drained away.
When I cry now, it's only because my watery eyes would over flow.
The feelings are kept inside, my face never shows it.
I become very still, usually starring ahead.
My breathing continues to stay steady.
There is no outward emotion,
all you can see are the couple of drops slowly roll down my cheeks.
I do not cringe,
I do not gasp.
If someone were standing next to me without paying close attention, they would be unaware I was even crying.
I do not make a sound.
I don't even bother to wipe my face,
I let the tears go and they sit where they are until they dry.
All my thoughts come to a halt and my mind goes blank.
I imagine it like a child being brought in from playing outside,
who stares out the window and waits until the rain stops,
then runs back outside and goes back to what they were doing.
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