I Cannot Help But Wonder

I often wonder 

How much my life would be different

Perhaps you are the right person

That came in the wrong time

Or perhaps you are the right person 

That placed me in the right time

 

However

 

I cannot help but wonder 

And I scorn myself for thinking this 

What would happened if I chose my brain instead of my heart

Would things be for the better?

Or 

For the worst? 

 

I cannot help these thoughts

These gloomy clouds that rain upon my mind

And create rivers from my eyes 

If I had really made the right choice 

 

You see,

 

I spend a whole lot of time trying to convince myself that this was the way to go.

That this was brought upon me to make me better.

 

But I cannot help but wonder, 

 

I cannot help but wonder, 

 

About these signs, if I had interpreted them right or wrong

Was the universe trying to extract me from you?

 

I have defied it. Yes.

 

But with a terrible consequence. 

 

Everything I am right now 

Is because of you. 

 

The good the bad and the ugly 

 

Lying has become a habit 

To the point where I not only lie to others but to myself 

 

I try to paint an image of myself that is better and happier and superior 

 

Hoping that that will be able to replenish the future I destroyed.

 

I have no one to blame but myself. 

 

I should've been wiser

I should've been smarter 

I should've used my brain more than I used my heart. 

 

But I cannot help but wonder. 

 

And I am so sorry for thinking this. 

 

But I cannot help but wonder.

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