I Am Who I Am...Who Am I?

 

January 12, 1997

I was born

Isiah Estrada Turner

At 6:30 P.M.

San Diego, California

 

Left my mother’s womb to a world of duality

Father’s an African-American man

Mother’s a Filipino women

Grown up on low income

& lived in middle class suburbia

I saw there’s always two sides of a coin

 

My parents pulled me from trouble

& placed me in activities

Second to eleventh grade, I was a Renaissance kid

 

I was occupied with martial arts, sports, & trumpet playing

Even though I was always surrounded by others,

I managed to maintain an introverted personality

 

Grade twelve,

I dropped all my activities to find myself

No more teammates & no more bandmates

All on my own

 

While stumbling on my journey

Question after question

Began to storm my brain

 

I Am Who I Am…Who Am I?

 

Almost out of high school & life is hurting like no other

“Am I ready for the world?” “What if I can’t…”

“Do I have the strength?” “How will I…”

Anxiety builds when I look in the mirror

The boy I see is so lost

He doesn’t know what to be

The question, “Can I fulfill my dreams?”

Haunts him by day & by night

The boy I see is me

 

As I dig deeper into my head

I fall in an abyss of menacing thoughts

Self hatred & low self esteem block my view of what’s right

 

“Am I a good friend?” “Am I a good brother?”

“Am I a good son?”

Friends & family seem to think so

“Why can’t I love myself ?”

I yell at the sky as my mind becomes clouded

 

As my internal battle continues,

My dejected mind state forces me to look around

& see what’s going on around me

& it becomes apparent that Miss America has little value for my life as well

 

I Am Who I Am...Who Am I?

 

Black Lives Matter,

I hear it all the time

Just like I hear “Black boy killed by cop”

All the time

 

Tamir Rice, Michael Brown

Jordan Davis, & Trayvon Martin

Let their souls rest in peace

While mine lives in conflict

 

Every time I step out at night,

I have an unwanted death wish

The more I stay out when the sun is down and the moon’s up,

I anxiously wait for a cop to grant my wish

 

Because as long as my hair is is curly, skin is black

& eyes are brown

I will always be fit for a modern day lynching
 

While all this is happening, where’s the leader of the free world?

Better yet

Where’s the black leader of the free world?

By now I would think my freedom is worth more than forty acres & a mule

Goes to show how much I can obtain in this so called “free” country

 

Since Miss America doesn’t want me,

I have to find my own worth

Before my life ends tragically

 

I Am Who I Am...Who Am I?

 

I’m human just like everyone else

I have my joys

& I have my pains

I have my strengths

& I have my weaknesses

 

But I must realize,

My imperfections are what perfect me

I can chase the perception of “perfect”

But none of it will matter,

If I don’t own my imperfections

 

At the end of the day I’m left with myself

& nobody else

It’s time to embrace the boy I saw in the mirror

& view him as a man

 

Others can attempt to bring me down & kill my soul

However, I will remain strong

For what I know now

 

I Am Who I Am.