Men have always been a mystery to me

I sit, consumed by the confusion they fill inside me

I ponder on the thoughts they put into my head:

“He hits me because he loves me” 

“He tells me my makeup is too much because he wants to see my natural beauty” 

“He didn’t listen when I said no because I wasn’t dressed appropriately for bed and I deserved it”

 

I am consumed with all of these feelings

Tearing away at me until I am nothing

Breaking into millions of tiny pieces

Like glass after being smashed 

I’ve been told my relationships don’t work because I am too clingy

I am over dramatic

Consumed with rage

But if you only knew all the pain I felt the day my dad decided his piece of ass was worth more than my blood relation

Was worth more than me

 

I’ve been insecure from a young age

After all if your daddy can’t love you,

How could anybody else?

While going through the anguish of disownment

I had other relationships taking a shit 

I let my boyfriend of one month take my virginity

Only to take the advantage of knowing my daddy issues made me want him more

Knowing I was still hooked 

Stuck to him like an industrial glue

We break up he uses me

No job but my Christmas money sure helps pay his bills 

Sophomore in high school thinking he loves me, or he wouldn’t keep me around

He wants me to lose this weight because he knows it’s healthier for me

He wants me to give it to him every weekend because he knows how much he means to me

 

I am thrown away to become somebody else’s problem

I was too much for the step monster to handle

The landing was fine until I realized my life would never be the same as it was 

I felt used 

Destroyed 

Unwanted 

But at least I had him right?

He used me until he found somebody else

And still I asked what was wrong with me?

 

I am standing in a new school 

Afraid of the new people I meet 

Knowing they would see me as the fraud I was

But he didn’t 

This boy wanted me for me

Took me out to McDonald’s and met my momma

Only to find myself ending it a month later because he wasn’t ready for a relationship 

We stayed friends, thinking that would help us 

But he was already getting help from his ex girlfriend he had been messing around with the entire time

Feeling used and alone

I still kept him around because i thought 

If I just give it up to him, he’ll want me

And he did

For the benefits 

 

A year goes by I meet someone new

I never realized how special a guy could make me feel

It was as if I was living in a fairytale 

Feeling nothing but love and endearment 

This was my forever

5 months later I realized the nightmare he truly was

And it only took him forcing himself on me for me to realize it

 I thought he loved me

I thought we were meant for each other

But every time I said no he kept going

Every time I tried pushing him off he held my arms back tighter 

Stopping me from my basic rights of self protection

 

I am a survivor 

Although some may believe otherwise

It’s only been a month since that incident and I’ve finally realized my self worth

I finally realized men aren’t shit

And if I want to rely on anyone 

It will be myself