when i was 5, my mother told me

"if you cry, they'll say i was abusive and take you away"

when i was 10, my mother told me

"if your sister cries, they'll say i was abusive and take you away"

when i was 16, my mother told me

"if you keep having these panic attacks, they'll say i was abusive and take your sister away"

now i'm 20, and she tells me

"why don't you call me?"

and the real true answer?

i'm busy

i'm not angry at her or me or my sister or god

i'm proud that i lived through my mother and her illnesses and her pain

i'm proud that i came out alive

i'm proud i can look around the world and see the good in people

i'm proud to see the good in myself

i'm proud i am strong