When the shooting had happened I felt as though I had lost someone

I had-I knew I had- but I didn't understand who for a couple days

 

When I was in elementary school I remember the feeling of wanting to be as close as possible to a friend of mine

I remember the way her smile made me smile and how soft her palms were

I remember giving her piggyback rides and even when my legs felt like they were giving out I kept marching

I remember kissing her on accident one time during recess and laughing it off 

Her family moved away and I remember not understanding the feeling of my heart aching for the first time

 

When I was in middle school I had my first boyfriend

I could have sworn I was in love with him because when you have a boyfriend you love him though I was all of about twelve

I remember kissing him for the first time and not seeing fireworks

I remember holding hands with him at the movies and all I could think about was how our clammy hands didn't fit together 

I remember thinking how great everyone told me love was- my friends..my favorite movies..my favorite songs

But I don't remember feeling the way I had felt with my elementary school friend

I don't remember wanting to make him smile any way I could or how soft his hands were or even wanting to see him all that much

But when you're a girl you fall in love with a boy so I kept him around until I was sixteen

 

When I was a sophomore in high school I had a new friend

We did everything together

We quoted movies and laughed about inside jokes, and talked on the phone for hours

We talked about everything and I trusted her with my heart so much I told her every feeling I had ever felt in my life

The way I liked when certain girls smiled at me..and she agreed with me

The way I liked when certain girls walked past me.. and she agreed with me

The way I liked to make certain girls laugh..and she agreed with me

When she explained how she had felt all those things too I finally felt like I could be myself with someone

So I started to tell her every time I thought a girl was cute and she would agree or disagree

One day she started calling me "kinsey" and we would laugh about it because obviously I wasn't actually gay..That was the joke

After a while the jokes became more serious and my friend was really pushing the subject of my sexuality

It never really bothered me until someone had started a rumor that me and my best friend were in some secret lesbian relationship

Although I had always been vocal about my support for LGBT I got unusually defensive when someone called me gay

After that I began being conscious of how I touched my friends and talked to them and looked at them just to be safe

My friend got increasingly frustrated with me when I wouldn't call myself gay

We drifted apart after that and didn't talk much

 

At the beginning of my senior year my old friend called me

I ignored it

She texted me

I ignored it

Finally I saw on social media that she was moving away to another state and decided it was now or never

 We talked a couple times. Never really about anything important. I think we just missed each other.

One day she texted me six long paragraphs confessing her love for me while also coming out to me

What she didn't know is that same day there had been a video sent in a group message of me and one of my close friends being overly touchy

Although my friends and I laughed about it - "Haha look how gay you guys look" (especially funny because clearly I'm not gay)-

Inside I was freaking out. I couldn't have anyone thinking I was gay. My whole world would end.

Two majorly gay occurrences in one day was more than I could take and I massively mishandled the situation

I defended myself by actively outing my former friend all while having an "as if" attitude about returning her love

I began dating a boy to further validate my heterosexuality

I would never fully act like myself around anyone, always very careful of the way I portrayed my sexuality

I would tell myself that I had loved my friend but not in the same way she loved me

And that was true. So by that logic I wasn't gay. Stupid teenage rationalization.

Towards the end of my senior year I accepted I was gay

I also accepted that maybe I would just have to hide this part of myself 

I had spent eighteen years acting straight I was sure I could pass for a couple more decades

 

Then Orlando happened

The media was drowning in LGBT+ activists 

Rainbows were everywhere 

A sense of hurt washed over me as if I had been attacked

When I would speak about it- and it was a hot topic of conversation- I would rant passionately 

I would advocate for the gay community and preach about acceptance and 'Love is Love"

But not once would I ever claim the gay community as my own

Not once would I ever say I was one of them

But when my mom spoke she would question "What the hell is wrong with people?"

Nervously I would listen

"People who kill innocent people are disgusting. All the mothers who lost their children."

In my heart I knew both my parents would always support me no matter what. I think I had always known this in my subconscious

The only thing keeping me in the closet was me and I refuse to be kept here any longer

Every single victim in Orlando that tragic night was there being open

Openly gay, Openly supportive, Openly happy

And if there is a single silver lining in the sadness of Orlando it's that we - my community and I- are stronger than hate

Those heroes attended that club knowing love is not subject to definition

Pride in who you are is not defined by what other think of you but whether or not your sense of self comes from honesty

Homosexuality is not a target for violence and will not hide away from the shell of a bullet or the cowardice of a murderer

Who I am is not right or wrong. Who I am is not less than because you don't like who you are. Who I am is set in stone and not a single damn person will be changing that.

It pains me that this terrifying event led me to the conclusion to be honest with myself. But if I have to die for being honest with myself I refuse to do so scared and without a fight.