somethings off and changed and
i dont want to question it anymore because ill overthink it and switch back
im finally on the upside of my 5-10 minute mood swings
and i want this one to last
so i text him, i write him a little poetry of his own
a small reminder that he still somehow leaves me speechless
a little part of my soul, sent to him through pixels
a little romantic, a little young, but even then its his and it is beautiful and it is his.
and i am his.
i belong to him which makes me special because it is a privilege to belong to such an angel like that.
i draw a bath.
i pinch at my stomach and thighs and arms but ignore it because to others i look healthy so that means i must be doing something right.
i dont feel healthy.
i notice the scars on my arms are fading and it gives me a little hope
but its not enough.
i make the water hotter.
i want to hold onto that warm feeling i get when my mood is bright.
hot water hot water
im sure of it.
im laying in my bathtub
the water is up to my chin and i feel small and warm
my skin is bright red and the steam emitting off of the water is thick
but i am warm.
i felt impulsive
so i held my breath and dunked my head under the water.
my vision was blurry and everything felt so distant and hazy
but the water was warm.
i still didnt feel as happy
so, i did what any logical human being with a declining mental health would do
i breathed in.
my lungs filled with water,
but it wasnt making me feel warm anymore
it was burning my lungs and brain and throat
i began to suffocate in my own false happiness.
he heard my screams through the water.
he pulled me out
he held me close and breathed air back into my lungs and life back into my cheeks.
he made sure that i was okay and safe and alive.
but my vision was still blurry
and everything still felt hazy
my head started spinning
and thats when i blacked out.
dont hold onto old feelings. theyre gone for a reason. dont think that if you just pretend to feel certain emotions theyll appear out of nowhere. dont let yourself suffocate because i promise you, you never actually stop once you begin.
my lungs are still burning.