hot bathwater

somethings different

somethings off and changed and

i dont want to question it anymore because ill overthink it and switch back

im finally on the upside of my 5-10 minute mood swings

and i want this one to last

so i text him, i write him a little poetry of his own

a small reminder that he still somehow leaves me speechless

a little part of my soul, sent to him through pixels

a little romantic, a little young, but even then its his and it is beautiful and it is his.

and i am his.

i belong to him which makes me special because it is a privilege to belong to such an angel like that.

 

i draw a bath.

i pinch at my stomach and thighs and arms but ignore it because to others i look healthy so that means i must be doing something right.

i dont feel healthy.

i notice the scars on my arms are fading and it gives me a little hope

but its not enough.

i make the water hotter.

i want to hold onto that warm feeling i get when my mood is bright.

hot water hot water

itll help

im sure of it.

 

im laying in my bathtub

the water is up to my chin and i feel small and warm

my skin is bright red and the steam emitting off of the water is thick

but i am warm.

i felt impulsive

so i held my breath and dunked my head under the water.

my vision was blurry and everything felt so distant and hazy

but the water was warm.

i still didnt feel as happy

so, i did what any logical human being with a declining mental health would do

i breathed in.

my lungs filled with water,

but it wasnt making me feel warm anymore

it was burning my lungs and brain and throat

hot water

hotwaterhotwater

i began to suffocate in my own false happiness.

 

he heard my screams through the water.

he pulled me out

he held me close and breathed air back into my lungs and life back into my cheeks.

he made sure that i was okay and safe and alive.

but my vision was still blurry

and everything still felt hazy

my head started spinning

and thats when i blacked out.

 

dont hold onto old feelings. theyre gone for a reason. dont think that if you just pretend to feel certain emotions theyll appear out of nowhere. dont let yourself suffocate because i promise you, you never actually stop once you begin.

my lungs are still burning.

 

This poem is about: 
Me

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