He loves me best when he is high

He is patient

He is graceful

His smile is more beautiful than all of the seven wonders combined

He is thoughtful

And I know that he notices my freckles more then

Than he ever has before

I look like a work of art to him as he soars higher than the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel

He laughs at all my jokes

And his hands don’t shake

He loves me best when he is high because he tells me I am the most beautiful girl

But I can’t help but notice that his eyes still wander

Still he loves me best when he is high

He doesn’t want to hurt me

He loves me best when he’s high it’s the only time he can escape his mind

I miss his mind

He loves me best when he is high because he won’t notice me crying

I won’t have to talk about it

He loves me best when he is high and I wish that he was always this happy

I wish that he didn’t ever hurt

He loves me best when he is high because I can’t blame him for his mistakes

I can’t blame him for his mistakes

I want to petition god for another skin

A skin that isn’t pox marked with cigarette butts

Teach me another game to play

Where the objective isn’t to see who will break first

I don’t want to break first

And I’m not ready to give a speech at his funeral

And I’m not ready to think about if I’ll be attending sober

And I’m not ready to let him go but I’m so tired of dying

I’m so tired of dying

As if the clock is a pendulum digging the grave closer to hell

I’m so tired of dying

He loves me best when I’m high

I mean when he is high

He loves me best when he is high because he lasts longer in bed

And that’s private but it’s very true

He loves me best when he is high because he adores me as if I am something worth being adored

He doesn’t understand he is worth being adored

He doesn’t understand that the drugs don’t love him back

The drugs don’t love us back

And I’m tired of having threesomes with him and his demons

Goddammit

He loves me best when he is high because he practices deep breathing over a bong

And he’s so beautiful when he’s fucked up

He loves me best when he is high because he can pay attention

Pay attention to me please

He loves me best when he is high because he says he can see the color of my eyes more clearly

He says he can see his future and we’re together

I don’t know if I want to be together

I don’t think I can take the taste of his tears on the outside of shared vodka bottles

I can’t share a syringe with him anymore

I can’t share a room where I sleep on the floor and the booze shares the bed

I can’t occupy half his heart I can’t keep loving his abuse I can’t keep spend my entire life running away

I can’t run away with him anymore

I can’t run away from life anymore

He doesn’t love anything when he’s high

He doesn’t love me when he’s high

He can't kiss me with a pipe in his mouth

He can't keep holding me in hands that twitch and itch and claw and scratch and light and crush and divide and crumble and shake

 

He loves me best when he is high

Because he leaves