13. Scared.

Not sure what to do

I have two options

Get up and leave the theater

Or

Let my then boyfriend reach down my pants

As I beg him to stop.

That day, I took the road less travelled

Let him touch me against my will

As I begged him to stop.

I came home and cried.

Not sure how to tell others

Especially not my parents

I told him no

He told me he loved me.

 

17. Destroyed.

My boyfriend had just broken up with me a week prior

My one male manager was there for me as I fell

But too close

Told me how much I was worth

Told me how pretty I was

Told me how much better I was than his wife

How he wanted me to be his

How he would do anything for me

Which includes cutting himself

When I told him I didn’t love him back

How he would’ve left his pregnant wife for me

He didn’t know that I left work for the next week

Sobbing silently in my car after work

Begging my parents to let me quit

Let me be free from this man

And the flashbacks to be cornered in that movie theater

Saying no all those times to my then boyfriend

To the betrayal, to the feelings of being useless

To a past life I tried so desperately tried to forget

 

19. Drunk

I had feelings for you

The first I’ve had in awhile

Since I’ve been let down so many times before

I felt you pulling away initially

And did everything to try to get you back

I invited you over that night

Initiated it all

I regret that every moment I’m awake.

I made myself vulnerable to you

Wanted you, like I thought you wanted me

But you hurt me

Held me down on my own bed

Kept going when I said stop

Pushed my hands away when I tried to push you off

You hurt me, and I blamed myself

I thought it was my fault

And I haven’t stopped crying since.

19. Healing

I’ve started counseling

Started the healing process

Years of repressed memories

Years of blaming myself

Years of unknown PTSD symptoms

I cry less

However, the moments of being helpless

Feeling like I’m trapped

Haunt me in class

But I’m healing

In the grand scheme of things

I’m better