Fun

Location

I just need time to think
Do I not love fun?
That seems to be the word
Fun
They’re all fun-loving
“I’m just your average fun-loving girl” she says
And her
And her
Fun
Average
Why do I shy away from those ones?
Am I not average?
That’s not it
Of course not
And no one wants to be average
Except me
I want to fit in
No
It’s more than that
I want to feel human
Not like a computer,
Who sits confined in the room,
Operates,
But doesn’t live
Thinks,
But doesn’t understand,
Simulates a human mind,
Human tasks,
But lacks the human element
The human freedom
Humans love fun
They love adventure
And so do I
I think
“Just because you’re a recluse…”
“You never want to do anything…”
Shut up
I’m not a recluse
But I am
I want to do things
But I don’t
I just need time to think
Is this denial?
Fear?
In another life I wouldn’t do this
I wouldn’t be so stubborn
My friends,
My family,
I wouldn’t shut you all out
No one gets it
It’s this disease
This wheelchair
This image
In another life it would be different
But I’m in this life
Am I waiting for another?
This is denial
My life can’t be based on what-ifs
But on can-dos
But there are so many compromises
I don’t want these compromises
I hate to compromise my connections
My relationships
This is fear
Fear that I’ll never be the fun-loving boyfriend
Partner
Spouse
Never Fun
But loving
I’ll always be loving
Can’t that be enough?
If I could just shout it
For all the fun-loving ones to hear
Understand
It’s all I have to give
When I can’t be any fun
But it’s not enough
I hate these compromises
This is denial
This is fear
This is what happens when I have time to think

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