Help

I need it big time

And i have asked for it.

I used to 

Huddle

Seclude myself in the shadows

Hunched and shivering and muscoskeletal

With my thin protruding beauty as a shield

They could pity me and respect my dedication

Oh WHAT self control

It was pride. And I was not giving it up

“Please eat. What more do you want? Please. Anything.”
Pleading and concerned eyes, mom wrapped around me. Family friends questioning me. Girls disapprovingly up-and-down-ing me.

It only got scary when they threatened me.

“You have to be this number. You have to eat this NOW or…. You will not get to do this if you don’t…..”

Psychologist?
No thanks. He will be deftly deluded.

A scale?
No issue that a few bottles of water and preceding feast cannot handle.

The attention

Is reinforcement; the perverted evil and vanity within me bubbles

Rising to the challenge; ha. There IS no stopping me.

Until...I am stopped.

So now you want to go back on your word?

Who am I if not lean and mean?

Lose the skin and bones beauty, lose the ability. Lose my worth. My hard work.

Gain the criticism and disgust and unimpressed glances.

We can all overeat. We can all laze around.

Not all of us can starve. Willingly with such a dedication and mindful goal

I lost the ability so I lose the respect.

 

A perfect schedule for a perfect body for a perfect girl

It was like clockwork

If it was not - its chaos. Immense irritability. An indescribable frustration. 

I was on edge. Im insatiable.

Almost like...

Right now. In my bed. 

A different kind of coping. One that certainly does not instigate curiousity or tender pity or immoral enviousness.

Only disgusted avoidance and shameful judgement. A blind eye, awkward laugh, callous comment...

Here I sit. With a half eaten bag of Honey Nut cheerios. 2 sweet potatoes. Dark chocolate - oh I missed you for 8 years of my life. Wheat thins. Cocoa nibs are healthy right? How about 10 servings of almonds? Peanut butter pretzels. A bag of kettle corn from the microwave to warm my distended stomach.

WHY can I NEVER be FULFILLED?

Empty or full
I can never be right, I can never be satisfied.

WHY

I plead as I take a trip back to the kitchen.

Savagely. Ravenously. ONE. MORE. HANDFUL. For the 12th time in 4 hours. Alone in the dark. But the sun is rising hurry please rise please end my misery. Shine the LIGHT on ME and WAKE me UP from this interminable feast of agony.

 

One. more. Time. One more.

Maybe then they will see

Maybe then they will intervene.

 

They don’t but I do.

And I wrestle with myself.

2 x 10

pounds more. than my lowest.

Good job, they say. With a self-preserving, condescending smile.

No more protruding pride and famished fulfillment.

She is one of us. Human. And hungry.

I am changing. I have asked for help. I am getting help. I am getting

BIgger.

 

My mom sees it

She has shown me. Her downcast eyes evaluating my meal. Once-over-ing my appearance.

I know. I see it.
In the mirror. On my chipmunk-ed cheeks. 

I feel it.

On my thighs chafing on the runs. Heavy and hateful. 

And my stomach.

I can’t stand to look myself uncovered

Where is that carved, flat 6 pack of abs?
Hidden underneath a substantial layer of fresh flab

Thank you late nights and early mornings.

Alcohol and nuts and processed carbs and chocolate.

For this comforting love and armor.

Over my weak but slender and coveted frame of a body that once shined pride with its bright white lightness and fragility.

Can I get it back?

She is all I want.
The shell of me. The carved out, fixated, obsessed, regimented me.

Free of guilt and shame. Full of nothing. Nothing but self-hatred and abstinence.

I am too full; I crave that nothing. But I...continue to stuff myself...to achieve that?

And so I wait

And I eat

Because someone will step in

That's all I am waiting on

Others judgement and punishment

To send me back into my depths of obsession and image-seeking and self-perpetuation

 

Then I will be back

To my old self

That skeleton of slender starvation and self-satisfaction

 

How can you

Deprive a girl

Who already has it all

 

Respect and reinforce only the struggles that suit me

Please
That is all i am asking.