Dear Friend-Turned-Rapist,

I used to stare, mesmerized
At the ocean roaring outside of the windows I was told never to open,
And I wondered if maybe my mother was afraid

That the ocean's sadness would slowly seep into the house

And settle into the remains of our bones—

Or maybe she just didn’t want to end up with rotting floorboards
And a drowned child
But whatever reason there was,
It was never explained to me.

No one ever explained to me that windows aren’t bulletproof
That sadness could just as easily enter through a window

As through a late night text  
No one ever taught me how to keep my tears at bay

Because no one was ever there to wipe them away;
No one heard me scream in the midst of storms, storms that surged within me;
And yet no one ever showed me how to survive

Without someone waiting below to catch me if I fell—
I was so goddamned lost, so scared of drowning
That I had forgotten how to breathe or how to swim or even cry out for help;
The world around me shrank as I tried to find something, anything to hold onto—

And there you were.

Dressed in ripped blue jeans and graced with the consistency of the moon—
Your aura of confidence was the homing beacon that drew me in,  
And I anchored myself to you as your hold on me tightened

To save me from falling right back into the cracks I came from.

I should have known that you were an ocean
That beyond the gentle receding waves

Lay tsunamis of acrid remarks and storms that erected monuments of expectations—
I never thought that the same man whose smile left me breathless
Could conceal such lascivious intents and hollow sentiments

The same man who pulled me under,
Forcing me into a catatonia

And leaving only bruised thighs and salty tears in your wake
As your relentless, once pacific waves pounded me into submission
Waves that had once sworn to protect me,
To love me
And yet you carelessly tossed me aside

Left me for dead
Took my breath away only to forget to give it back

But as I have learned,
Some things cannot taken back
And though my innocence remains forever lost,
This ocean of a body has since risen up stronger than ever before

- Viviana Briseno