Fixed Moments, Colored Thoughts

Sun, 07/27/2014 - 12:13 -- yomejay


I used to believe in the permanence of a dream,

But then all we left were untraceable footprints in crestfallen snow.

We had asked what people would think of these,

Those graceless steps we paced together in our relapse into childhood mischief.


We used to share triumphant smiles, nervous hands and eager lips,

Basking in warmth between our shoulders that was to last as an artifact born of loving

And in those moments I used to wander, wishfully know not of what you thought

And now I slip to have never known what you truly thought

Because our obliviousness of what was said and not said

Misled us to the fact under question,

When we questioned our infatuation beyond intelligence.

When sense failed and we put love above a pedestal

A gentle breeze of truth drove us either transcendental or mental

To an extent it wasn’t accidental that we asked what we thought of us

And frightened ourselves of us


Now I ask “what if,”

What if you hadn’t come along?

Would I have been blessed with the same burden that found where it belonged?

I think once I’m free from these confines of disgruntled pride and vie for affection

I might answer that question

Or wait endlessly for your answer, one I knew to be absolute but you hid in the commas

Of your complexion in the driver’s seat of that white Jetta

In an evening when youth seemed to return to each of us

As if we had relinquished it too soon



Beautiful! A little bit wordy - the reader can lose the feeling of  the poem in your second paragraph, unless by "obliviousness" and "misled" and "question", you meant to demonstrate those concepts within your poem (a technique) by doing so in your second paragraph. Even still, I find it a bit unclear.

I really liked the way you wrote your poem, and the topic you chose. Not in your face so as not "cliched" (I know people always say that), but different. Nice. :)


Thanks so much for the comment! Always nice to know what I can improve on and it's always an amazing feeling to get my poem read by someone haha. Thanks!

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