The Five Types of Guys You Will Fall For Before You Turn 18: A Letter I Wish I Could Send to Myself 5 Years Ago


         I.            Your First Love: this guy you will meet and he might not be the cutest or the funniest or the smartest (and two years later you will discover he isn’t the nicest either). You will be off put by his crooked front teeth and the way he places all and any blame off of his shoulders. You decide to play into the cliché idea of “forever and always” which feels oh so creative and special because you’re fourteen and he posts pictures of you on social media, but then he goes and kisses his best friend, you still thought he was marriage material.

       II.            That Guy from Middle School: You know, the one who has the Justin Bieber haircut-circa 2010-the guy you always said is “just like a brother,” somehow you manage to pull off being surprised when he declares his love for you six years later. I mean you should have known when you took his virginity four years before he admits he loves you. Somedays you still think he might be the one you marry, then you remember he’d rather hotbox and make a blizzard than set goals.

     III.            Your Best Friend: Who just happened to help you know that you like girls, probably more than boys, especially because my mom won’t wonder why my friends are always sleeping over, she will just think I am popular, not a lesbian. Maybe she doesn’t belong on the list of “Guys” that you will fall for, but you did fall for her.

     IV.            The Flasher: So you might not actually fall for this guy, or have fallen for him, but you will send him naked pictures of yourself because some nights you are a little lonely and he is a lot persistent. You fall for him in the sense that you would have a fling for him and later in life when you are telling your children the birds and bees talk, you’ll say you only slept with people you loved, because it is not like they’re really going to listen anyway.

       V.            The Unrequited Lover: At this point, you have kind of given up and you’ll meet a guy who is mysterious and gives you a challenge (and who doesn’t love a guy who is a tad narcissistic). The only reason you will fall for this guy is to get back at the girl who called you “easy” your junior year, but he would not be up to the idea of being treated as a pawn for your revenge, even though if the roles were reversed no one would bat an eyelash because you know, the patriarchy and all.


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