I don’t want to write this

I can’t write this, not at all

You don’t want me to

I don’t want me to

But you said I could share anything

So I’m going to share everything

 

Jealousy comes in fives

 

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

 

Five fingers on my left hand

Curled up into a fist tighter than an atom bomb

One more glitch, a twitch

And my precious little heart might

Pop

 

We’ve talked about it

Prior to and after the inciting event

It was going to be fine

I promise

It was going to be fine

 

I trust you, I do, I promise

I know you wouldn’t hurt me

Ever

At least not intentionally

I hope

 

You whisper some of the sweetest

Sharpest things into the side of my skull

Scraping against my eardrums

Like a dull razor across my

Waxy

Sweaty

Face

 

Kisses leave bruises and

The memories of hugs

Turn into chokeholds

And when I’m missing you the most

I can’t look in the mirror

 

My jealousy is not your problem

You care about me

And I know

But gallons of self-loathing are heavier than they look

And the painful piles they reside in spill too easily

 

When I put my arm around you

And you text your ex-boyfriend

The tears on your cheek harden

And become glass in my mouth

I can’t speak, or you’ll see my bloody teeth

 

Each time I feel jealous

I try and push an ice cube into my heart

To focus on that, to freeze myself

To stop dead in my tracks

To stop, dead

 

It’s nice

Six feet under the ground

It’s cold enough to cool me down

And there’s nobody around

For me to disappoint

 

Every time I see you sad

I want to cry

And when I see you smile

And it’s because someone else fixed you

When I couldn’t

 

I cry even harder