7:37am

(11/08/2019)

i don’t know what’s wrong with my brain.

i know it’s been years in the making,

since i let go of the fear of my beauty,

and the fear of self-worth,

but now it’s the fear of what you’ll think about me,

when i tell you my thoughts.

it’s like,

since that one night,

nothing’s ever been the same.

and i’m scared to lose what we have,

and what we don’t have,

and what we’re making.

 

something’s up with my brain.

it’s like i taught myself to have a cold heart, now i can’t

even 

open up to people.

like that tiny voice is getting mad stronger.

and i don’t fear it,

but i can’t get it out.

like,

what if it’s right?

what if people don’t care what i say?

what if they are just tolerating me?

so i don’t speak.

and i delete stuff.

it’s not that i don’t want you to know,

it’s that -...

 

no, no, no

you can’t have my poems

ima speak in my poems

ima let out my heart

stop telling me that what i have to say,

my truths,

MY FEELINGS

MY EMOTIONS

are not important enough to be told.

just please let me be happy.

let me let off some of this sadness i woke up with.

i won’t stay too long.

too many people expecting me to put on a happy face.

i guess their expectations matter more than my mental health.

my smile matters more than my emotional health.

 

but back to where i was at before you tried to control me...

 

so it’s not that i don’t want you to know my mind,

it’s that my mind feels like it don’t matter.

like they say “mind over matter”

but my brain must of heard “your mind doesn’t matter”

‘your thoughts are unimportant’

‘you care too much, but can you say the same about them?”

 

I DON’T KNOW

just,

please,

give me a little peace.

please,

you’re my brain,

you supposed to encourage me.

 

i guess the trick is, 

you are encouraging me.

encouraging me to go back to hating myself.

but with a different method.

i see you.

you know i love the mind

you know that i love helping others find a peace of mind.

so i give them a piece of mine, even when i can’t find peace in mine.

 

there’s only two people i always wanna share my brain with,

but lately you’ve been telling me to stop a lot more.

like nobody wants to hear that.

but dont you know that’s my release ?

that’s how i cope with my demons ?

you know i’ve never admitted that

i got demons?

 

just please.

i ain’t begging you because i ain’t weak,

but my emotions are at a high,

and my brain won’t take control.

maybe because it’s outta control.

you telling me i need Jesus?

i do,

i do.

guess what though?

so do you.

go away.

 

but not quite literally.

insanity isn’t on my plate today.

but like in “Alice in Wonderland”, her father told her:

“You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.”

so i guess it’s okay to be a little crazy.

 

but i don’t want you,

 to see me in a different light.

nothing you could ever tell would make me run from you.

just know,

i don’t plan to give the universe to people anymore,

but you’re not regular people