it seems as though the closer i get to my estimated release date the more anxious and fearful i become, and even though I've just about reached the goal we all strive for, freedom. I find myself disgusted with my comrades, my family, this system and life in general.
I mean I'm happy in the sense that God has blessed me with the opportunity to be free after 14 years of incarceration yet it's as though I'm afraid to leave this controlled environment called prison simply because I'm afraid of failing myself, my family, and those i love most.
It's as though I'm afraid of becoming the statistic that so many of us unfortunately become (the 87%), and despite the fact that I have prepared myself both mentally and spiritually for my release, I often find myself wondering If i am honestly and truly prepared. Am I fooling myself?
I mean I'm driven, have no vices, nor am i a fool who is afraid to push forward and work hard, but when i think about the many obstacles I'll be faced with and how the odds are stacked against me, I sit back and begin to question my sanity wondering, "can i honestly and truly win?"
Some people may think I'm insane stating "I have nothing at all to worry about, I'll be okay", yet every time that I pick up the phone and attempt to have a conversation with my teenage daughter, she reminds me that i am nothing more than a dead beat felon who abandoned her at birth.
Every time that i speak to my aging mother she reminds me of her financial struggles and constant pain.
She reminds me of our poverty stricken drug infested neighborhood and the dysfunctional and ignorant family members i will be welcomed by and going home too.
She reminds me of the hollow tip bullets that stole the life of my childhood friend, and the new wave of drugs my nephews are smoking and popping as though being a junkie is both fashionable and trendy.
She reminds me that I am a convicted felon with no room left for error in my life, and the more i listen to her words, her pleas, her complaints and cries, the more i begin to wonder can I overcome my challenges and/or honestly beat the odds?
can I honestly and truly win?
Some people may think I'm insane stating, "I have nothing at all to worry about, I'll be okay", BUT the fact is that I have everything in the world to worry about and no room what-so-ever to slip and/or fail.
This beloved is my transition-This beloved is my life.