Why did you leave me?
Is it because your father left a wound that no one could stitch,
So it's no surprise that it appeared in my genes?
I can't recall a single football thrown,
nor a one-on-one between father and son,
like on the movies and tv shows.
Its for damn sure what I wanted.
The happy family, with a cat or a dog,
And a “Welcome” doormat.
But now I pole vault into manhood.
My adolescence is funded by the answers that I pray to understand.
Like how to speak to females and how to be a man.
You're the reason I loathe at every “Father's Day" but send a card only because mama insisted.
Him? A father? Hell no.
Oh, the pride I digest.
But I digress and I loathe
because every time you DO visit you look different from head to toe.
You know, one day I hope to have an offspring
And teach them things that you didn't teach me for when my life is daunting.
Like when I'm down and don't hear a sound but anxiety clogging my mental space and I feel as if I'm a mental case searching for belonging.
To keep going when my days are "PANIC!" "PANIC!" "PANIC!" and everything is exhausting, and even my talking is frantic.
Or when I feel as if I'm on a roller coaster ride falling off the tracks.
But in present time, aside from showing you how many times I was there for myself, its about time I asked you for answers.
An answer for why I position this facade and smile as if I'm spot on when I'm as flawed as the fatherless come.
An answer for why when I write this, each word hits a nerve that makes my stomach plummet and sink like the titanic.
Why weren't you there?
Why aren't you here?