Why did you leave me? 

Is it because your father left a wound that no one could stitch,  

So it's no surprise that it appeared in my genes? 

I can't recall a single football thrown, 

nor a one-on-one between father and son, 

like on the movies and tv shows. 

Its for damn sure what I wanted. 

The happy family, with a cat or a dog, 

And a “Welcome” doormat. 

But now I pole vault into manhood. 

My adolescence is funded by the answers that I pray to understand. 

Like how to speak to females and how to be a man. 

You're the reason I loathe at every “Father's Day" but send a card only because mama insisted. 

Him? A father? Hell no. 

Oh, the pride I digest. 

But I digress and I loathe 

because every time you DO visit you look different from head to toe. 

You know, one day I hope to have an offspring 

And teach them things that you didn't teach me for when my life is daunting. 

Like when I'm down and don't hear a sound but anxiety clogging my mental space and I feel as if I'm a mental case searching for belonging. 

To keep going when my days are "PANIC!" "PANIC!" "PANIC!" and everything is exhausting, and even my talking is frantic. 

Or when I feel as if I'm on a roller coaster ride falling off the tracks. 

But in present time, aside from showing you how many times I was there for myself, its about time I asked you for answers. 

An answer for why I position this facade and smile as if I'm spot on when I'm as flawed as the fatherless come. 

An answer for why when I write this, each word hits a nerve that makes my stomach plummet and sink like the titanic. 

DAMMIT!!!  

Why weren't you there? 

Why aren't you here?