I am scared.

When there are a thousand different ways to go, I have to pick one way.

I am scared of losing faith in myself.

I am scared of being engulfed in a world full of negativity and hate.

I am scared of becoming a nameless identity

Devoid of expression

Creativity

And happiness-

A byproduct of modern society.

Why is it

That people say

“You’ll need this when you’re older”

or

“You’ll use this in the real world someday”

And yet I don’t know what a 401k is?

Why am I told to follow my dreams

but I am measured by a number?

I am scared

When a teacher tells me I need this grade to pass

But I know tests are not how I assess my growth-

My growth is not represented on paper.

It is represented in my actions.

I am encouraged to take tests for subjects I’m not even that interested in

But it looks good for college.

“Here” they say, “APs are free.”

-I guess that’s where teacher cuts went this year.
I am tired of being subjected to the wrath of a broken education and job system

That prioritizes profit over prosperity

Performance over happiness

And efficiency over intuition.

We’re told to gain life skills by getting good jobs

But employers don’t let us do anything meaningful.

“You’re insightful and creative? 

Here- push shopping carts and clean the bathrooms.”

I fear

That when I leave high school

I will be expected to know

How to do my taxes

And find a place to live

And finance a home

And get a car

And a ‘real’ job

But high school isn’t about learning how to do any of that.

High school is about just trying to stay afloat without losing it

Honors and APs are the new ‘normal’

And if you can’t do it you’re ‘stupid.’

I have endured all-nighters

Bloodshot eyes

Fainting spells

Shakiness

Panic attacks

Tears

In the name of what?

My sister declared

With sincere confidence

That as a freshman, she will be in bed at 9:30 every night.

But she does not understand.

She is the fragility of youth

That has not yet been undermined by corruptness

Still viewing the world with keen eyes

That have not seen the stresses of high school.

She has yet to understand

That tests are a misnomer for something that does nothing to help you understand material

‘Group projects’ are one-man projects with credit given to everyone

And that ‘involvement’ is more or less a requirement.

I am scared for her too.

So when people tell me

That I am ‘fine’

That I am going to just ‘figure things out’

I can’t help but not answer.

For these people

Who attempt to assure me

Are the same people- the catalysts

-of this machine of a society

A machine that chews you up and spits you out.

So I am scared-

I am scared of losing faith in myself,

For after all that I've been through

It seems to be one of the few things left worth holding on to.