The Face of Suicide

To the Community of my peers,

I appreciate what people are doing, posting pictures of hearts and hotline numbers and I get that they only want to help-

But how can they help when they don’t even know what the face of suicide looks like-

When people like me have been walking past them for years with smiles, frown, or even red eyes and no one does anything- they all assume I’m okay

That’s why when someone waves the white flag and succumbs to the pain they are surprised because they think- why didn’t they tell me?

Well, I’ll tell you I tried, but your mind was too full of your thoughts that there was no room for me

The face of suicide isn’t someone who looks like they are alone every day crying or being angry all the time-

It is someone who uses  eye creams to hid the bags because she tried to sleep but nightmares of nothingness haunted her

It is someone who covers themselves with makeup, lotions, and the most stylish clothes to seem like they fit in with the crowd- why?

Because no one wants to be the face of suicide to be “that girl” to be considered selfish, lonely, attention seeking, unbalanced, a killer

We blend in like chameleons to avoid your gaze because we are afraid

we make plans to do it in a way that won’t make a point but will hurt the least amount of people

quick  and effortless with no concern

I don’t want to hurt you, but I am hurting

I planned to do when I was at a city far away by the sea to be reborn by the water and free from the hell of my mind to be caressed by the waves and swept up in a current and sink to the bottom

But then I remembered his tiny little face and his innocence and how he needed me, and I couldn’t abandon him, and now I only live today because of him

And your emoji hearts won’t fix mine so don’t waste your time

I am only here today by chance and that alone so leave that number on your phone because you can’t preach about helping or caring when the face of suicide has been staring at you this whole time and all the while you were-

Oblivious.