Esteem
I am learning to say no,
I am fighting to set boundaries and uphold them,
I am dry-swallowing coping skills and
choking on broken bad habits.
Because I love you
I am closing my eyes,
raising my arms over my head, elbows out
and patiently learning how to breathe again.
I am learning to think about myself
instead of suffocating on the terrifying idea
of burdening everyone.
I am learning to ask for the things that I need and I am learning to need things.
Because I love you
I am reaching out for help
and instead of fooling myself that no one is there to take my hand
I force myself to see the crowd of support reaching back.
I am learning to look in the mirror again
without feeling like my stomach has been caught in a bear trap.
I am learning to turn to people when I don’t know how to cope
instead of scratching and burning my sorrows off my skin.
Because I hated you
I ignored your needs in favor of everyone else’s,
I refused to take care of you in spite of the suffering it brought me,
I desecrated you with red graffiti in attempts to hide all the blue.
But because I love you,
I am learning to understand and respond to your needs,
I am learning to set boundaries to protect you,
and I am learning how to breathe again.