i thought i could do it right for once
i thought i was right- for once
but as it turns out
this is always going to be hard
love, in any lifetime, doesn't seem to take to me the way it should
and the vagueness of 'exist' has never been an adequate instruction manual
with such a variety of instincts speaking through my veins,
over and over and over again
i should have it figured out now
this trip should be easy, exploratory
i've done simple at the deepest end of the subsoil
and complicated traveling against currents with a will stronger than my tailfin
i've done packs and solitary
i've chased my babies away from me and fought to keep them safe
and mourned the loss of one in the herd
i've explored the highest reaches of the earth
and i've lived the longest two hours only to be run into glass at 55mph
these things i have done. i can feel it.
and my last test is to be this. human.
it is more work than i had anticipated.
in this decidedly last leg of my journey i have been doomed
with too many ideas and not enough space
and at the end of this sprint:
if they ask me if i'd like to do it again-test a new hypothesis
i'll think of all the things i could have done and all the blank spaces
and i'll say no.
they'll want me to tell everyone it's because i have no regrets.
but the truth is
it was because all of it was just. too. hard.