Before somebody asks, yes, I’m biologically a girl.
To many, especially any average Joe on the street, I am seen as a guy
Which is awesome, since I identify as one, but,
Not when you feel the flood gates of the dam down there about to break while you’re in public
And you are with your mom who still sees you as her little girl.
There was this one time, Sophomore year,
On a family trip to DisneyLand,
My liquids of the day had filled up inside me like a water balloon
And I felt I was going to burst
But I was with my mother.
So I had to go into the bathroom with the sign that has the person in the triangular dress.
I walked through the sea of moms and daughters
And safely made it in and
Out of the stall
Washed my hands without a hitch.
However, when I was leaving the over crowded washroom,
A girl, whose voice I cannot connect to a face,
Pulled back a bow loaded with her words and it didn’t
Hit me until I was back outside
“Dude. You are like fourteen!”
I wish I had seen this girl
I wish I could have said to her that
‘First of all, I’m sixteen’
‘And second of all, I have lady parts just like you’
‘But hey, thanks for seeing me as a guy’
But since my mind has a tendency to process things late at times
And we were in such a congested area,
I was never able to see who called out to me
The chance to confront my perpetrator was gone
Faster than I could take another breath.
And that is why I have a hard time using public restrooms
Like an unfinished map,
I do not know where to turn next.
If I go into the woman's, or the men’s,
There is not a chamber where I can relieve myself that I feel I am socially accepted into.
Every day I wonder,
I wonder if my femininity gets in the way of my masculinity,
If the way I dress is enough to be seen as a boy
If it is safe for me to rescue my small bladder by entering the sector designated for guys.
Don’t worry about me, though.
I am working on my confidence
I won’t let my binder push back my bravery
I will love myself for who I am
And I will shakily push open the door to the bathroom
With the sign that has the person with the two rectangular legs.