Dissociation/Disconnect (Spoken Word)

Sat, 05/23/2020 - 00:01 -- he.re

The mind can disconnect from the body when it is too painful to be in our vessel.

Almost like a complete decapitation of the head, but the body is still of use.

Now why would a person do that?

What would make being present from the shoulders down so hellish a person just says, "nope"

They say "trauma", I say "childhood?"

Because I do not remember a moment when the image I had of myself wasn't a thin girl who I had not recognized. I lived as her until I walked past a mirror, or worse, seen a video or photo of me. I swear at times I was her. I wished it so hard that I became that image, but then I'd look down.

This body

no

That body

no

The body that wasn't... hers... was nothing more than deadweight that prevented me from all that I wanted. Or, in a positive light, was merely transportation for my head

So why is this body an "it" and not a "me"? When the fuck did that happen? 

Could blame my bullies, or my parents and family.

Every show that showed the fat character as the joke! That fat was only useful for a laugh but never worthy of what ever person craves...

love... 

So maybe that's why I detached it... me...this...If it's the reason for all despair then why should I fucking put up with it either?

Photos of me weren't me. They were just what everyone sees but... I'm my head... I'm in my head with... her... the thin girl... even though deep down I knew she was only a wish, but somehow I thought if wishes would ever be granted that would be mine.

Some would say money or a happy family but I wanted nothing more than to be able to pick the body I wanted.

All this before I could even do long division

Over a decade of disconnect and I know the sutures will hurt, but I think what hurts more is accepting it...this...ME...

and letting go of... her

 

 

 

This poem is about: 
Me

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