Sat, 07/30/2016 - 22:56 -- iduffy

My heart wakes before my mind

Increasing its thundering current 

The beat of a freight train approaching From off in the distance  It's 4 amBreathe, keep your eyes closed Slip into a troublesome sleep But sleep all the same  The quaking, the twitching An electric storm and an earthquake Collide into my nervous systemMy muscles dance their disturbed routine  It's 5 amOne more hour The world is silent But I am loud  Here begins the torment of the oceanThat grips at my stomach, like a storm to a shipAnd sends it tossing and turning Lurching and reeling to whatever rhythm it pleases Its 6 am. I can no longer pretend this is a dreamI must open my eyes to my invisible tormenterFace the fact that it is I, who is the disaster  Each morning I face empty eyes in the mirror I spend time searching for the pieces of me that I pray are still there And I must find her and learn how to escape today's labyrinth  It's 6:15. I'm trying to rid myself of my demons in the bathroom sinkThey grip hold of me and send my body wrenching as if I just met death for the first time The frequency of their visits does not lessen the pain or the nassau Each time I pray that I will hold the strength to keep down my fearsTo loosen their grip For it is they who send me gagging But I am left in disgust with myself  It's 6:30I am curled up on my bed in fetal positionHoping that the tighter that I squeeze myself The more I'll be able to control the natural disasters which paralyze me  I force myself to moveGo through the motions Sometimes just putting on pants Can send me running back to the sink  It's 6:45We drive in silence. My sleeping siblings fill me with calm And the importance of my job to keep them alive Quiets the voices for a while  I am no longer alone But I have not spoken a word of what grips me deeply stillI let myself breathe the morning air And we drive in silence.  It's 7 am. I walk through the school doors with a smile on my faceLaughter in my eyes As if my world had not just been rebuilt, In 15 mins. 

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