I am hurting.

I say this in a time of sadness and shame. a time where a monster has just beaten me. a time where I was just asked, "why would you do that if you know I don't like it!"

I am hurting.

to your face, I speak. only you cant hear me. all you see is your prey. sprawled on the ground like a dear will loose limbs. all you see is your weak daughter being disrespectful.

you neglect my call, I sink into a bottomless pit of nothingness. you turn away my offer to stay up 10 more minutes to clean my room, I sink into a bottomless pit of nothingness.

HELP ME PLEASE!!! it hurts.

I reach out once more only to receive a high-five when what I needed was a hand to grasp.

I repeat this over and over. every day until I will breathe my last breath.

this ritual is what I call a conversation.

it may seem strange to you, considering you do not experience this yourself. 

let me explain. 

dad: come. sit. I want to talk to you.

you hear those words and start to panic. what could he want!? Did I do something wrong?!

you: yes, daddy?

dad: tell me whats on your mind.

only you cant. if you do, you will surely be punished. you tell him what he wants to hear.

you: just some school work. 

dad: ok. anything else? 

you ask me anything else as if I was hiding something. what could I be hiding?! Did I do something wrong?!

you: that's all. can I stay up a little longer? Mom asked me to clean my room.

dad: she didn't tell me that. if you guys want to plan something, you must tell me. those are the rules. why did you try to break the rule?! what are you hiding!? why are you acting like this!? who are you texting!? who are you hanging out with!? give me your phone! who are you following!? who put it in your mind to disrespect me!? you are so disrespectful! you are so dumb! so ignorant! so stupid! you are worthless!

be cautious he might hurt you for attempting to break the rule, you apologize. I didn't mean to! I'm sorry if I did something wrong!

a narcissist. 

you poison me with the thought that I am not enough, I cant do it, I did something wrong.

every day you talk to me as if I was a soldier. as if I was immune to pain.

HELP ME! IM HURTING!

your words drill into my mind questioning my self-worth.

you cannot blame me for the way I am now...when I have constantly asked you "am I ok?" "is there something wrong with me?"  

"Did I do something wrong?"