Depression

Location

77581
United States
29° 34' 48.0756" N, 95° 16' 44.0148" W

They told me this move was for the best and that our problems were now just a thing in the past,
a distant memory, never to be relived again
They failed to mention that things here would cause even more pain, and many more sleepless nights
I've become engulfed in this pit of darkness,
this unseen force of despair,
this tantalizing state of emptiness,
this never-ending fall,
waiting to hit rock bottom,
yet I never do
I wait for the choice between life or death to become clear or even a faint ray of light, of hope
I continue to wait for someone that won't leave, betray, or hurt me They say that I should be happy that I'm still here
but they don't know the stress that I still have,
they don't know about the nights I don't sleep,
the days I don't eat
They think I'm okay but they don't know about the pain that is mindlessly inflicted on me,
the pain that I'm so used to that I've become numb
And the time that passes ever so slowly,
threatening to take my life,
threatening to cast me into the darkest shadows,
threatening to force me into an eternity of silence
I lay in bed looking out at the midnight sky wondering whether this feeling of pure nothingness is better than pain
or whether the fall is worse than the landing,
or whether the lies and deceitfulness hurt more than the blades,
slowly piercing my skin,
slowly giving me reassurance that I can still feel something
I'm tired of all these fake smiles,
of people pretending to be someone they aren't,
staying up all night looking out at the darkened sky,
wondering why I can't just return to my life,
the one that I held close and dear,
the one that I would give anything in the world to return to,
the life that never should have changed
These people are so fake,
you can see it in their eyes,
the way they talk about you behind your back but never to your face
I can feel the pain coming,
before they say hi,
before they like someone they aren't,
before they start another game of charades
Though you live with all this,
you still have to put on a face and pretend it doesn't bother you, pretend the words don't sting,
pretend there is still a sparkle in your eyes,
and that the smile on your face doesn't take ever ounce of energy in you,
pretend the lies don't keep you up at night wondering if this is all there is,
just lies and empty promises,
deception, and hushed voices;
all of which seem to occupy my life for the hell of it
They think I'm so stupid,
and that I don't know what they're doing or what they say;
but they're just as hopeless;
wanting to feel good about themselves so they make you feel bad. What's worse is I let it get to me,
I let them torment me,
I let the hate take over my life
but soon, it will all be over
Soon, it just won't matter
Soon the sleepless nights and endless tears will mean nothing
I slowly start to wonder if any of this is worth it
Is it worth not sleeping, not eating?
Is it worth it to let the hate take me over?
Is it worth it to constantly wish my life was over?
Is it worth it to make a fool of myself,
over and over again?
Is it worth it to constantly question my worth, my life, my entire being? Is it worth it to carry this burden on my back, this stress on my heart? is it worth my time, my tears, my pain? I
s it worth it to be screaming for help on the inside, yet completely quiet on the out?
They say that time will heal its mistakes,
but what if time rewinds itself,
what if time just makes everything worse?
What if it continues to repeat itself with no reason to change,
no motivation for the pain to be rendered?
They try to play it off,
oh it was just a joke;
but they don't get what it does,
the pain they mindlessly cause
It gets to the point that you can't differentiate between the lies and the truth,
between feeling numb, and feeling dead
Time fixes nothing,
it helps nothing
Its just this thing,
this cold bitterness that so many lean on
Yet that's all we really need,
someone to lean on
But how can you lean on someone that causes so much pain,
so many tears?
In the end, there is no time,
no person to lean on to catch you when you fall,
to help you feel better,
to catch the tears as they fall from your soft eyes
They will either leave you; or hurt you
It's just how life works
The hushed voices,
the threatening eyes,
the two-faced rejects,
it's all you will get
They won't tell you what they truly think,
they act immature and petty;
and think that you're the same
When their sole point is to make you a fool,
vulnerable and insecure;
when your pain is their motivation to continue,
when you can no longer fake a smile;
when you can't keep the tears from streaming down your face,
one after another, with no reason to cease;
when you can't lie and say everything is okay;
when you can't cover the pain in your voice anymore;
when you've been condemned to silence,
when you become exhausted mentally and physically from fighting all these battles;
when your face become stained from all the tears you've reluctantly shed;
when your tears become your lullaby;
when you get tired of trying to find something to make you happy; when you get tired of trying altogether;
when you realize that this life is not a dream;
when you realize that this is in fact reality, something that connot be changed, something you can't simply wake up from;
when you come to the realization that this is not where you belong; when you've endured all this pain,
you know you're near the breaking point,
yet you can do nothing,
you can say nothing to help yourself
There isn't any climbing out of this dark pit of hell,
of hopelessness and despair;
there is no waking up from this nightmare that has somehow taken over your life
You simply must endure, as you always have,
in silence and in isolation
You just have to keep wishing for that faint ray of light, of hope, or even just a simple gesture to indicate that there is hope;
there is someone out there that truly cares,
that won't lie to your face and expect you to believe them,
someone that won't judge you for your looks but someone that will take the time to get to know you,
that won't stab you in the back just to see the pain swell in your eyes; that won't cast you into the darkest shadows of the night;
that will finally save you.

Comments

hollister1796

I've overcome this seemingly impossible obstacle. let me know if anyone has any advice, I would love to hear it or personal stories or anything :)

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