The demon that is my inspiration

I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder called social phobia.
Social phobia is a strong fear of being judged by others and of being embarrassed
The fear is out of their control
Even though I tell myself I shouldn’t be afraid
I still am
It is a demon inside me

This disorder makes its presence known only when I present something
I feel ok but as soon as I am called up to the front of the class
That’s when it all falls apart
The demon makes its presence known
The walk to the front seems to take forever
The walk ended now I am there in front of everyone
I feel my face grow warm and hot
I did not give permission for my face to do this
The demon inside has a mind of its own
It can’t be stopped

I know my face is red.
My heart rate goes up.
I hear my heart pounding in my chest.
There is no stopping this disaster that my demon has started
I start to tremble.
Then the thoughts come
Oh those annoying thoughts
What a nuisance they are
But I can’t stop them
They come automatically
All that is going through my mind are the same thoughts again and again over and over
How do I look?
They are judging me
They are saying things

The demon tortures me and I am powerless against it
I have no way to fight it
I hear them laugh
And point out my face and how red it is.
I don’t have anything to hide my face
Not even my paper
All I can do is stand there talking
And get it over with as fast as I can.
After I finish I go sit down as fast as I can
I try to calm down
And it takes a while before my face goes back to my normal color
I don’t control the thoughts or the symptoms
They come automatically
My demon inside me is in full control

It’s like my heart of kindness and good cannot break through
It tries but always fails
There is no key to lock this demon into a cold place where it can suffer instead of me
There is no cage because it will slip through the bars
The demon is inside of me
I don’t resent it
It makes me stronger
It reminds me I have something to work on
It inspires me to inspire others
Demon within you are my inspiration
But that will come to bite you in the rear
One day I will defeat you
And I can be free from your long curved sharp claws
That you trap me in between with.

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Stormie Shadle

That is my own photo. I used my camera to create it.

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